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MAKE ME LAUGH!
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Thread: MAKE ME LAUGH!

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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Behind Enemy Lines
    Posts
    142,493

    MAKE ME LAUGH!

    Okay, jokesters and punsters! We get so much BAD NEWS on the board, that it's high-time we had a dedicated room to blow off steam. Yuk it up in here gang! I *NEED* to laugh, before I start screaming.

    So - step up to the plate folks. Here's your chance!

    BTW, the name of this room is in tribute to my favorite group ever, Monty Python's Flying Circus.

    SPAM anyone....?


  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Oklahoma
    Posts
    5,132
    Dennis,

    Monty Python is one of my favorites too. I love the dead parrot skit but couldn't do proper justice to it with only "one liners", so try this and see if it tickles the funnybone:

    http://orangecow.org/pythonet/pet-shop.html

    D_el


    P.S. I'll have the Special: Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam, eggs, spam, spam, and spam with a side order of spam, spam, and spam

  3. #3
    True story from MIL, from her days as a social worker. She was in court with a girl who was on the stand explaining some incident with a boyfriend, saying ". . . he was a M-O-T-H-E-R ****er . . . " spelling out the "mother" but not, of course, the one word that was so much a part of her vocabulary as to be transparent.

    Without missing a beat, the judge said, "well N-O shit."

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    A BURB OF BUFFALO NY
    Posts
    2,035
    How do's a french women hold her liquer.....

    By the ears...
    vienna 1683.

    Turn your swords into plowshares ,and you'll be plowing for those that didn't...

    We didn't create GOD out of our imagination ,He created us out of his.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Where I woke up.
    Posts
    207

    10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

    10. The monitor is up on blocks.
    9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
    8. The six front keys have rotted out.
    7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
    6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
    5. The password is "Bubba".
    4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
    3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
    2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

    AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
    1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".




    Kamelot

  6. Quote Originally Posted by Kamelot View Post
    10. The monitor is up on blocks.
    9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
    8. The six front keys have rotted out.
    7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
    6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
    5. The password is "Bubba".
    4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
    3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
    2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

    AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
    1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".




    Kamelot
    ha-ha-ha! Thanks a lot!You are the best!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    In the woods of Alabama
    Posts
    518

    10 Apocaloptimist


    B.O.H.I.C.A.

  8. #8
    I hop this does no brake any rules if so please take it down, I thank it is very funny.

    Adult only.

    Are you a real cowboy!!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_YP-GYb2Pc

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    south Texas Gulf coast
    Posts
    250
    With all the rain, I've noticed that our dogs must be amateur physicists. They apparently have a theory here that thunder causes mattresses to become lighter than air, thus the danger of them floating up to the ceiling is very high during a storm. The dogs know this, and in order to protect their hoomins from being smushed against the ceiling by the lighter-than-air mattress, they must all jump up on the bed to attempt to hold it down.

    They do this out of the love and kindness in their hearts, with no regard for their own safety should the thunder become so severe that it overcomes the added mass on the mattress and it floats up anyway! We must always properly appreciate the risks our furry family members take for us!
    It's kinda hard to work within the system when it's a septic system.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Sierras
    Posts
    2,626
    DENNIS, Thanks for starting this!!! I think I'll be hanging out on this board!

  11. #11
    "French Passport"
    An elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

    "You'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
    The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection".

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".

    "Impossible...You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. The he quietly explained.
    "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Tulsa area
    Posts
    83
    Dennis,
    This is a very neat and needed room.

    I will be here quite a lot

    P S You have done a great job on updating. Congratulations !!!!!

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Tulsa area
    Posts
    83
    Three days later and it is still a GREAT ROOM.

    Thanks for a laugh after reading all of the reality on the main forum.

    We all need this.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Minnesota
    Posts
    10,042

    To anyone with over 2000 posts or so, this is you...

    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    Mountains
    Posts
    4,610
    Dennis. As you know Im married to a truck driver and heavy equipment operator. He was lifting a roof in Beneshia I believe?. The new roof was for a juvenile facility being built. On the frontage road a sign was up saying "Building For The Future". This was right before you come to the new facility. My honey got a real laugh out of this one. I wish he had taken a picture.

    Dennis. What are those little round icons under User information? And how come some have 6 and many of us have 4?

  16. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by Telyn View Post
    "French Passport"
    An elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

    "You'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
    The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection".

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".

    "Impossible...You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. The he quietly explained.
    "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"
    I absolutely LOVE this one !!!!


  17. #17
    I FULLY support the BLM

    I was reviewing this with a co worker who asked me what I thought of the BLM

    He was STUNNED to here that I support the BLM!

    I told him that I had a chance to review their positions, and I even went to a few meetings

    Nice folks!

    I would have these people over to the homestead any day for BBQ and clear!

    He went into hysterics, rambling and frothing at the mouth

    'You! of all people' he shouted

    Yes, me

    In fact they have MY life , better!

    I think at this point he went from beet red, to frothing at the mouth and shaking, finally asking me, Why!, why would you do that!?!

    And I told him matter of factlly,there are more birds and bigger bucks

    What? says he?

    Bucks/birds bro!

    He asks me, what in Heck are you talking about??

    The BLM says I

    you know,

    Bureau of Land Management


    Thats what were talking about right? the BLM?

  18. #18
    Finally! This just in, an answer to long-term care:

    MEDICARE PART G

    If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do?
    You may opt for Medicare Part G.

    The plan gives anyone 75 or older a Gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life except in Texas where you're only days away from your final demise, it is suggested that you may still shoot a politician from Texas just as long as you're not in Texas when you do it, because in all other states you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
    As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
    And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.
    And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

    And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
    Is this a great country or what?

    Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, go enjoy the weekend!

  19. #19
    DC airline ticket agent

    Not sure if this is true, but certainly believe able ...

    A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:

    1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

    2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ....'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.
    3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

    4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

    5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
    6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

    7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

    8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

    9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.''

    10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

    11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

    12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

    Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

    YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    338

    The Cats....

    That picture is great!
    When you have shed your mortal coil, and are no longer in the thoughts or prayers of anyone, it is then you cease to exist. So long as a single glimmer of your existence dwells within even a single consciousness, are you truly immortal.

    -~` Daniel J. Olson `~-

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    338

    This is sooo sick...

    This is about little Johnny.

    Little Johnny's mom was a prostitute. Little Johnny ahd know this for
    quite some time and wasn't ashamed.

    Every day, when he would come home from school, his mom would have
    dinner ready early, because of her job.

    One day, when he came home, he found that dinner wasn't prepared
    as usual. He found his mom standing in the doorway between the
    kitchen and the living room, dressed in her robe.

    "Mom, what's for dinner?", he asked.

    Hi mother whipped around, threw off her robe, yelled, "CRABS!"

    When you have shed your mortal coil, and are no longer in the thoughts or prayers of anyone, it is then you cease to exist. So long as a single glimmer of your existence dwells within even a single consciousness, are you truly immortal.

    -~` Daniel J. Olson `~-

  22. #22
    I liked the Monty Python links

  23. #23

    That's one...


  24. #24
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    High Desert, Elko NV
    Posts
    23,709
    uh...why can't we cut 'n paste on this forum?
    The only rights we have are the ones we're willing to fight for.

    http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y29...diplomacy2.jpg

    http://www.n3kl.org/sun/images/status.gif

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Purdy area, Western WA
    Posts
    27,428
    Art Bell's website has a phone call so funny you will pee your pants laughing, DON'T MISS THIS:
    It opens in real player:

    http://mfile.akamai.com/5022/rm/coas...5_incident.ram

    This version opens in Windows player:
    http://mfile.akamai.com/5022/wma/coa...5_incident.asx
    Proverbs 18:13 Wycliffe Bible (WYC)

    13 He that answereth before that he heareth, showeth himself to be a fool; and worthy of shame.

  26. #26
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Orange County, California
    Posts
    3,661
    That phone call is a hoax...

  27. #27
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Location
    SE Texas
    Posts
    3,704

  28. #28
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    23,166
    Hoax or not (I don't know) it is STILL the funniest phone call I ever heard.

    Thanks Tumbleweed. The links aintitfunny posted seem to work here in this sig. I just can't get them to work on the main page even when I type them in.

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