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CHAT Ladies! Needed: Your definition of a Decent Man
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  1. #41
    Join Date
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    I think that what women want in a man is the same as what men want from women:

    Decency
    Honor
    Integrity
    Loyalty
    Kindness
    Affectionate (without being smothering)
    Attentiveness
    Being a “best friend”
    Being a responsible adult
    Not a criminal
    Not a druggie
    Clean in dress and hygiene
    Able to hold a job
    THIS!!!

    And about looks...

    It doesn't matter how they look, really...

    The reason being, is that I have met and known very handsome men, according to the general norm.

    And I've met men in my ancient past who were not considered attractive by the day's standards.

    But, when you get to know someone, their looks change!

    A handsome man with a bad personality or who is a total conceited asshole, will all of the sudden become quite physically ugly looking.

    And conversely, a guy who's considered plain or not a 'catch' by many women, but who is funny and kind, his looks change and he becomes one of the handsomest men you've ever met!

    I hope I'm making sense here.

    But it's true. V

  2. #42
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    A man at least as intelligent as I - but even more, a very good sense of humor, self-deprecating, God-loving, warm-hearted, and as willing to work as hard as I am without whining but rather willing to find the fun in every day. Above all to live a life devoted to serving God above all. I've yet to find one, though I am convinced they are out there --- just not available

    -- Bonus points if he can hunt and fish!
    All that is gold does not glitter....

  3. #43
    ...
    Last edited by Bumblepuff; 09-11-2019 at 07:33 AM.

  4. #44
    Decent man eh?

    Same as last time ya asked, I think. If you mean what does a guy have to be, or do, for me...?

    Not too particular.

    Integrity and emotional health are the absolutes. If I can't respect you, there's no where for us to go from there.. bad day at the office kick the cat syndrome is closely related and probably unredeemable...although everyone makes errors, and I am understanding and forgiving.

    Maturity and wisdom born of experience, and the courage to let me see, taste and touch the resulting wounds. If you do not know pain, how can I trust you've the strength to shelter me from my own?

    Intelligence, the wit to tease and play subtextually are fun, and hopefully the guy is a patient teacher who enjoys seeing my joy at learning...cause we must be learning and teaching one another!

    I can't think of many mandates... Integrity covers most everything...and strength enough to be vulnerable. I have grown fond of nurturing men. I mean, being nurtured, but nurturing them feels good, too. I recall other things that feel good as well, and if we're going to carve out a place for just us, then we probably best put em on the list, too.

    Presumably we don't have to put down honesty, emotional and physically faithful, a good father, son, and man of faith, with a good work ethic who's eyes twinkle and face lights up when he sees me...coz those are givens, right?
    Thoughts are things. Thus I'm careful of the thoughts I think, & the company I keep.
    I myself am entirely made of flaws, stiched together with good intentions.
    MOON™~> all in the ignorant opinion of an uneducated slip of a woman who keeps forgetting to mind her manners, know her place and bow down to her betters

  5. #45
    Quote Originally Posted by vessie View Post
    THIS!!!

    And about looks...

    It doesn't matter how they look, really...

    The reason being, is that I have met and known very handsome men, according to the general norm.

    And I've met men in my ancient past who were not considered attractive by the day's standards.

    But, when you get to know someone, their looks change!

    A handsome man with a bad personality or who is a total conceited asshole, will all of the sudden become quite physically ugly looking.

    And conversely, a guy who's considered plain or not a 'catch' by many women, but who is funny and kind, his looks change and he becomes one of the handsomest men you've ever met!

    I hope I'm making sense here.

    But it's true. V
    This is 100% true!!
    Therefore be ye also ready; for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh. Matt. 24:44

  6. #46
    Quote Originally Posted by vessie View Post
    THIS!!!

    And about looks...

    It doesn't matter how they look, really...

    The reason being, is that I have met and known very handsome men, according to the general norm.

    And I've met men in my ancient past who were not considered attractive by the day's standards.

    But, when you get to know someone, their looks change!

    A handsome man with a bad personality or who is a total conceited asshole, will all of the sudden become quite physically ugly looking.

    And conversely, a guy who's considered plain or not a 'catch' by many women, but who is funny and kind, his looks change and he becomes one of the handsomest men you've ever met!

    I hope I'm making sense here.

    But it's true. V
    Course ya are girl! Reminds me of a movie i saw, where two disfigured people thought they'd miraculously been turned into model quality appearance. They had! Only to one another! As is the power of true love that he Lord's guided ya to.

    I used to swear I didnt find an old bou attractive, thought that it was all in the light in his eyes, and need in his voice.,he showed me some old photos tho, and they blew me away...so I don't give top billing to looks.
    Thoughts are things. Thus I'm careful of the thoughts I think, & the company I keep.
    I myself am entirely made of flaws, stiched together with good intentions.
    MOON™~> all in the ignorant opinion of an uneducated slip of a woman who keeps forgetting to mind her manners, know her place and bow down to her betters

  7. #47
    Join Date
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    Don’t lie,cheat, steal, willing to work doesn’t hit women or children. And must love animals!

  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by vessie View Post
    THIS!!!

    And about looks...

    It doesn't matter how they look, really...

    The reason being, is that I have met and known very handsome men, according to the general norm.

    And I've met men in my ancient past who were not considered attractive by the day's standards.

    But, when you get to know someone, their looks change!

    A handsome man with a bad personality or who is a total conceited asshole, will all of the sudden become quite physically ugly looking.

    And conversely, a guy who's considered plain or not a 'catch' by many women, but who is funny and kind, his looks change and he becomes one of the handsomest men you've ever met!

    I hope I'm making sense here.

    But it's true. V
    Absolutely true.

    and all that Dennis said.. and one that makes you feel so special like you are their whole world..

    yes to humor, belief in God, love of animals, full or integity and morals, and lets me cry over grief opf my losses (I don;t do it often, but when it happens he is there) he makes me feel totally safe in this worlk, and is always thoughtful about the little things people don;t think about.

    and there are different things that are important at different stages of our lives....about sex... sex is good.. and just cause there is snow on the roof top doesn't mean there is no fire in the furnace! (did I say that right???) I guess I mean, if he (or you) can still do the "dance"... do it with full abandonment... hey if you are retired, or in your 60's... GO FOR IT! lol! if all the other attributes are there.. it WILL be great!
    Inner Connections
    God gets the
    Glory...He gave the Gift

  9. #49
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    Couldn't tell ya. My pickers broken. (Cheater, bad tempered angry man, alcoholic.)
    "During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." George Orwell

  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    FireDance, that all sounds a lot like “best friend”.
    I think it is in a way. I also think you need to find your best friend before going further. Sex is wonderful but it is only a part. I would have commented on that if I’d had the time but those are the first things I want. Well maybe not the first but I see my share of ppl who can’t have sex in the “normal” ways due to injury or something. So if you’re best friends first you can make it through almost anything and still enjoy. And then the other fact is that intimacy doesn’t have to be “sex as we tend to think of it.” There are lots of ways to make dopamine without the “usual”. I would prefer the usual, but as we age we have to get realistic.

    I like your list too Dennis. Fills in quite a few holes that I was unable to do bc of time constraints. There are soooo many things that go into a relationship it’s a wee difficult to cover them all.

    I like to flirt with my SO also. Heh. Fun!
    The Operative: “The path to peace is paved with corpses. It’s always been so.”

    Malcolm Reynolds: “So me and mine got to lie down and die so you can live in your better world?”

  11. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by vessie View Post
    THIS!!!

    And about looks...

    It doesn't matter how they look, really...

    The reason being, is that I have met and known very handsome men, according to the general norm.

    And I've met men in my ancient past who were not considered attractive by the day's standards.

    But, when you get to know someone, their looks change!

    A handsome man with a bad personality or who is a total conceited asshole, will all of the sudden become quite physically ugly looking.

    And conversely, a guy who's considered plain or not a 'catch' by many women, but who is funny and kind, his looks change and he becomes one of the handsomest men you've ever met!

    I hope I'm making sense here.

    But it's true. V
    This. Looks are great but when you get down to it I want that kindness and best friend relationship first. If you don’t take a bath though, we have a problem. Lol
    The Operative: “The path to peace is paved with corpses. It’s always been so.”

    Malcolm Reynolds: “So me and mine got to lie down and die so you can live in your better world?”

  12. #52
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    FireDance, that all sounds a lot like “best friend”.
    Yep, the best sort of husband to have! When I was 12-years-old a happily married couple told me "be sure to marry your friend, not just your lovers."

    I took that to heart and it hasn't let me down, you have to also have physical attraction and other shared interests and traits for the relationship to work.

    You know The Puritans of all people (on both sides of the water) encouraged married couples to be "best friends," this isn't a new idea.
    expatriate Californian living in rural Ireland with husband, dogs, horses. garden and many, many cats

  13. #53
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    I think that what women want in a man is the same as what men want from women:

    Decency
    Honor
    Integrity
    Loyalty
    Kindness
    Affectionate (without being smothering)
    Attentiveness
    Being a “best friend”
    Being a responsible adult
    Not a criminal
    Not a druggie
    Clean in dress and hygiene
    Able to hold a job
    All of THIS - didn't think it would be this big of an issue here in the NE

    Better single than dealing with a hot mess.....
    Frugal is the new black!!
    http://www.bethefrugaldiva.com
    Get cashback on your online purchases!!!
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  14. #54
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    Interesting subject on both ends......

    Let me throw some scientific background into the mix here.

    We have many unconscious drivers that attract us to a mate that have limit relevance to how a relationship society needs to function today......

    Noted specifically for women and the subject of this thread.....

    ... there are certain male physical and behavioral attributes that unconsciously drive a woman towards a man....

    ......however, they may be out of sync and a challenge to balancing out with the selection process of a mate that demonstrates a high degree of personal responsibility, care, trust and social accountability in today's society.

    One is driven by lower brain stem biology over millions of years of evolution...........and the other is driven by the higher order of the frontal lobe of the cerebral cortex in the assessment of personal/social responsibilities and attitudes formulated over the last 10,000 years of increasing civilized behavior necessary to function in society ..........and in many cases they can be in conflict with each other.

    Women who are attracted to men that are often referred to as "no good" for them is often a part of this mix.......where the biology is winning out over the more rational reasons to be with a man......

    Finding a balance between the biological and the sociological is quite a challenge for us all.......especially in younger years when both are more in competition with each other.......especially for a woman to find a male in sharing a fulfilling relationship and in one that makes for a successful marriage and healthy family functioning in society.

  15. #55
    I am not advocating this, but there is a reason probably the majority of human cultures (including most Europeans and Americans) used to have partly or fully arranged marriages was because it was believed that people "in love" were actually insane and likely to make poor choices when it came to mates.

    It was up to the families, the marriage broker, the Church Ladies etc to either guide or impose their will on young people when it came to getting hitched.

    In some times and places, young people did have some say-so or could suggest a partner that they favored, but right up through the 19th-century parental approval was sought after and often legally required.

    Other societies even today rely on variations of arranged marriages, and/or they may be the only "socially acceptable" kind even when young people have more options to legally choose their own partners.

    Again, I am not recommending we go back to such a system but it keeps happening over and over again in human history for reasons that are worth looking at, starting with people who fall in love really do meet a lot of the criteria for "crazy" it may be a good kind of crazy, but it can make rational decisions difficult.
    expatriate Californian living in rural Ireland with husband, dogs, horses. garden and many, many cats

  16. #56
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    A lot of good ideas, but I'll add what has worked well in our marriage: politeness and consideration. After 30 years, my husband still won't eat the last cookie without offering me half, or the whole thing if I want it. Consideration of others adds up to consideration of each other.

    A sense of fairness. You can come out of disagreements or even a break-up okay if the partner is fair by nature. People that are petty and vindictive toward others will get around to being that way to you.

    And if I were looking for a spouse again, I would steer clear of anyone who drinks a lot. It changes personality, creates anger problems, and encourages self-pity.
    Reality cannot be seen through the lens of Marxism.

    Freedom and government-imposed equality are mutually exclusive.

  17. #57
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    I think it somewhat depends upon a woman's background. For example, a woman who prefers city life isn't going to want a guy with a muddy pickup truck who likes to go hunting and fishing every weekend. She isn't going to care if he knows how to change a flat tire or fix the leaking toilet. On the other hand, I do think being somewhat mechanically inclined is an indication of character.

    A woman who's been abused in the past would want a guy who is more than just NOT abusive -- she would want one with predictable, consistent moods. Not knowing how someone is going to react is scary, even if you don't think they'll hit you.

    I've frequently joked (though it's true, somewhat) that I married my husband because he had a job. Actually because he had an amazing work ethic. I didn't marry him *for his money,* because he didn't have any. BUT he had a job and he worked hard, and he had other employable skills besides, so I knew he'd always be able to earn money and take care of me and any kids we may have. I don't know -- I must have been dirt-poor in a past life, because financial security has always been at the top of my priority list. Now -- I don't mean this to say that I can't take care of myself. I worked then and I work now, though I was a stay-at-home mom for many years. But IF I couldn't, he would.

    Long ago I was told that you can tell how good of a husband a man will be, based on how he treats his mother. Very accurate in our case!
    Last edited by meezy; 09-11-2019 at 10:54 AM.

  18. #58
    Quote Originally Posted by MinnesotaSmith View Post
    You'd be wrong, Dennis.

    Just two examples:

    1) men having a good job (or wealth) is paramount to many women finding men attractive as husbands. Men hardly care about that conversely. Male doctors historically married female nurses aplenty, but female doctors rarely marry male nurses. I've SEEN multiple "If you're rich, I'm single" bumper stickers on cars owned by women; not one on vehicles owned by men.

    2) Men on Death Row for horrible crimes get LOADS of gushing fan mail from women. Women lifers, virtually none of the equivalent from men.
    I think that what Dennis was talking about was for a worth while decent woman.

  19. #59
    Quote Originally Posted by fish hook View Post
    I think that what Dennis was talking about was for a worth while decent woman.
    MS doesn't believe those exist.

    Summerthyme

  20. #60
    I wanted to add addictions to my not possible to cope with list. One would think it self evident that addictions, abusive or bullying behaviors, being non communicative etc were part of the emotionally unhealthy spectrum, but....
    Thoughts are things. Thus I'm careful of the thoughts I think, & the company I keep.
    I myself am entirely made of flaws, stiched together with good intentions.
    MOON™~> all in the ignorant opinion of an uneducated slip of a woman who keeps forgetting to mind her manners, know her place and bow down to her betters

  21. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by summerthyme View Post
    MS doesn't believe those exist.

    Summerthyme
    Amazing isn’t it? Must have a really broad brush he paints with. All humans are fallible. All make mistakes. Personally, I’d love to never have hard times in life, but it has never been a driver when picking a mate. That’s only ASKING for a bunch of trouble unless you have some weird personality. Well I call it weird. In other words, if I had a choice between a NFL player with gobs of money I would pass on by and try to find someone at Tractor Supply to have coffee with. If he was EXTREMELY smart he would take me to sonic and get a large chocolate milkshake, extra whipped cream, no cherry. Unless he likes them. Then I would give him mine. lol
    The Operative: “The path to peace is paved with corpses. It’s always been so.”

    Malcolm Reynolds: “So me and mine got to lie down and die so you can live in your better world?”

  22. #62
    I like to advocate for the system thats served me so well for more dcades than i care to admit.

    Know thyself
    Love the lord
    Leave it up to the lord to direct the person you're to be with to you. Or not. No law says mated is only form a good life takes.

    Open your eyes. See whats set before you. Say yes, thank you.

    The lord is no respecter of graphs, theories, studies etc. There is no barrier, nor fear that he cannot heal. Who and in what do you trust?

    Your life, your choice.

    But, me, and mine, we will serve the lord. Even if it means something crazy wonderfully sweet and satisfying as letting loves' call be answered.
    Thoughts are things. Thus I'm careful of the thoughts I think, & the company I keep.
    I myself am entirely made of flaws, stiched together with good intentions.
    MOON™~> all in the ignorant opinion of an uneducated slip of a woman who keeps forgetting to mind her manners, know her place and bow down to her betters

  23. #63
    There is another issue here too, the question was what makes a decent man?

    Not all decent men in a women's life are her husband. They can be fathers, step-fathers, uncles, grandfathers, classmates, co-workers and in some cases men who have similar interests (for example in my Middle Ages club or a gardening club etc).

    I don't mean that women are "attracted" to all these men in a romantic way, rather that they are "decent men" that one knows and appreciates.

    My mother would say "My Mother would say that so and so is A Lady or so and so is a Gentlemen."

    That was her way of saying that "so and so" be it, someone, she knew at church, the milkman or a family member was "decent" or a "good human being."

    That would be a man who was honest, kind, thoughtful of others, helpful and willing to do the right thing whatever that happened to be.

    Those would also be the traits of A Lady in her book (or my great grandmother's).

    There were other traits like being polite, not washing dirty laundry in public etc etc but you get the basic idea.
    expatriate Californian living in rural Ireland with husband, dogs, horses. garden and many, many cats

  24. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by FireDance View Post
    This. Looks are great but when you get down to it I want that kindness and best friend relationship first. If you don’t take a bath though, we have a problem. Lol
    Would that be at least every other day or daily????

    Texican....

  25. #65
    Quote Originally Posted by Melodi View Post
    There is another issue here too, the question was what makes a decent man?

    Not all decent men in a women's life are her husband. They can be fathers, step-fathers, uncles, grandfathers, classmates, co-workers and in some cases men who have similar interests (for example in my Middle Ages club or a gardening club etc).

    I don't mean that women are "attracted" to all these men in a romantic way, rather that they are "decent men" that one knows and appreciates.

    My mother would say "My Mother would say that so and so is A Lady or so and so is a Gentlemen."

    That was her way of saying that "so and so" be it, someone, she knew at church, the milkman or a family member was "decent" or a "good human being."

    That would be a man who was honest, kind, thoughtful of others, helpful and willing to do the right thing whatever that happened to be.

    Those would also be the traits of A Lady in her book (or my great grandmother's).

    There were other traits like being polite, not washing dirty laundry in public etc etc but you get the basic idea.
    I was surprised that the thread took a romantic turn from the beginning. I didn't take it that way when reading the question. Was thinking, neighbor, delivery guy, co-worker, casual friends, repeat customer, boss, etc. So, more like describe who are the kind of people, specifically men, that one would want to be around on a day-to- day basis.

  26. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melodi View Post
    There is another issue here too, the question was what makes a decent man?

    Not all decent men in a women's life are her husband. They can be fathers, step-fathers, uncles, grandfathers, classmates, co-workers and in some cases men who have similar interests (for example in my Middle Ages club or a gardening club etc).

    I don't mean that women are "attracted" to all these men in a romantic way, rather that they are "decent men" that one knows and appreciates.

    My mother would say "My Mother would say that so and so is A Lady or so and so is a Gentlemen."

    That was her way of saying that "so and so" be it, someone, she knew at church, the milkman or a family member was "decent" or a "good human being."

    That would be a man who was honest, kind, thoughtful of others, helpful and willing to do the right thing whatever that happened to be.

    Those would also be the traits of A Lady in her book (or my great grandmother's).

    There were other traits like being polite, not washing dirty laundry in public etc etc but you get the basic idea.
    Thankyou! Melodi, for understanding and actually answering the question.
    "Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we will all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy."
    Dumbledore to Harry Potter, Goblet of Fire.

    Luke 21:36

    A people who no longer recognize sin and evil, are not a people who will recognize tyranny and despotism either. Invar


    “During the course of your life you will find that things are not always fair. You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve and that are not always warranted. But you have to put your head down and fight, fight, fight. Never, ever, ever give up!”

    - President Donald J. Trump

  27. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by Texican View Post
    Would that be at least every other day or daily????

    Texican....
    Preferably with me any time. But really bathing depends on what you did that day and down here how freaking hot it is. But really I meant those ppl who rarely bathe. To the point of being unhealthy and well, not fun to be around.
    The Operative: “The path to peace is paved with corpses. It’s always been so.”

    Malcolm Reynolds: “So me and mine got to lie down and die so you can live in your better world?”

  28. #68
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    12 For the women who didn't marry during their 15 peak years...

    or just "misplaced" the best man ever willing to commit to them, here's what's left, unsurprisingly:



    Hey, show up to the restaurant a minute and a half before they close, don't be surprised if the quality and variety of the food on the buffet line is way below what it was at opening time....
    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  29. #69
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    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

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