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CHAT Asking the TB2K "Hive Mind"- So now what?
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  1. #1
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    16 Asking the TB2K "Hive Mind"- So now what?

    Hey all,

    Well it's just past 4 AM and a humid 76 F here inside with the windows and fans going as I type this (the last two days it went from low 80s F to yesterday 103 F!).

    The cat has settled down now that after she awoke me from a nap (those of you familiar with playing close change "musical shifts" can commiserate been swapping swings and graves) to get a "mouse worth" of wet food and my room mate is still crashed out in his part of the place so I'm making an effort to not make too much of a racket. I don't normally do a "deep dive" into my own mess and share with you all but right now I'm thinking that fresh minds on this would be a good idea.

    So I'm sitting here pondering the task of sorting and packing out my and my late wife's stuff from a place I've been in for over twenty years in the next 25 days with still no solid idea of where I'm going to land either with the roommate (which is the current operating plan) or on my own with the cat.

    My mother closed out the "back to family" option after telling her that with my reduced means I couldn't front her the extra $10K+ I've been for the last seven years without "moving back" and being called by her a "bum" and not wanting me back at a family owned property despite my offering to pay rent.

    Rents down here are downright three pounds of flesh, including up to the East Bay. Recall my comment on another thread regarding the rents I've seen in Oakland just for one bedroom being $850...Anyways so I've been looking, while getting discouraged and dealing with cash flow issues at the same time (the last hit my mother made to me last October cleaned me out and removed my last liquid reserves from a "double dip" having given her a similar "chunk" last April, so her reaction is all the more galling to me particularly with my current gig's compensation vs my last one). Working 60 hours in one pay period flipping shifts at the same time is a bit of a killer, particularly when it digs into time to deal with a countdown timer.

    And before I go any further I'm "out" on a 90 day "no cause" because the landlord has termite/structural issues that should have been addressed years ago that are going to require me out to fix. Considering what I've seen of him, compared to the prior landlord who went to the Central Coast to retire, making some kind of "deal" to come back after the work is done (if he's even going to really do anything for real or not) isn't in my best long term interest between what he'll probably charge after the fact and other practices I've seen from him.

    So I'm looking at what I can afford in terms of either going in with the current roommate (who I've known for nearly 30 years) or on my own with the cat and options just look ugly, with a fallback being a 45 minute commute from the mid-East Bay.

    And with me dealing with the immediate oncoming situation, job hunting to better match my skills with pay has been put on the backburner until I've got my living situation dialed in. I said no to a 6 day a week retail/"suit" gig in downtown SF (Union Square) that came up just as everything else went into the fan due to the commute and rate being only a couple of dollars more than where I'm at now, which the ops guy from the office understood, and would have had me looking for a new vest to wear under my shirt (current one is "expired" and not best tech available being from the early 1990s).

    So I'm looking at dealing with all of this on a thread, aid I can solicit from my surviving friends and the good graces of the Man Upstairs.

    I'm planning on the worst case, i.e. triaging my stuff and storing while playing musical couches if it comes to that. I'm currently eating my way through my pantry (emergencies are what they're for right) and dealing with my fiscal issues as best I can.

    So to all of you out there, what am I missing being this close to the fan and the flying excrement?

    Thanks guys.

    HC

  2. #2
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    When I had to reboot in 2011, I went through every single thing in the house, deciding what I wanted to keep, and what I could let go. (Going through the two file cabinets of family papers and deciding what to keep and what to destroy took a week by itself.) I must have left thousands of dollars of stuff in the house, and packed the rest into a storage unit. Took pretty much a month to sort it all out. Then I hit the road for Texas, and have never looked back. My suggestion is for you to do exactly the same. Come to Texas. There's tons of work here. I know how those on the Left Coast basically have to be dynamited away from it, but really, staying there is a considerable detriment to your life.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    When I had to reboot in 2011, I went through every single thing in the house, deciding what I wanted to keep, and what I could let go. (Going through the two file cabinets of family papers and deciding what to keep and what to destroy took a week by itself.) I must have left thousands of dollars of stuff in the house, and packed the rest into a storage unit. Took pretty much a month to sort it all out. Then I hit the road for Texas, and have never looked back. My suggestion is for you to do exactly the same. Come to Texas. There's tons of work here. I know how those on the Left Coast basically have to be dynamited away from it, but really, staying there is a considerable detriment to your life.
    That is my suggestion also.
    "Adversity makes you stronger. Don't give in. Don't back down. And never stop doing what you know is right."

    - President Donald J. Trump, US Coast Guard Academy commencement address, May 17 2017

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    When I had to reboot in 2011, I went through every single thing in the house, deciding what I wanted to keep, and what I could let go. (Going through the two file cabinets of family papers and deciding what to keep and what to destroy took a week by itself.) I must have left thousands of dollars of stuff in the house, and packed the rest into a storage unit. Took pretty much a month to sort it all out. Then I hit the road for Texas, and have never looked back. My suggestion is for you to do exactly the same. Come to Texas. There's tons of work here. I know how those on the Left Coast basically have to be dynamited away from it, but really, staying there is a considerable detriment to your life.
    Yeah I hear you. Heck roommate's retirement plan is along those lines.

    I'm pretty much looking at the house stuff in a similar fashion. The thread on heirlooms was an interesting tie in to what I'm doing right now.

    Despite my mother's actions, if anything goes south for her I'm still the only functioning adult left in the family so a trek east to Texas would literally be burning my side of the bridge.

  5. #5
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    Thinking outside the box. I've heard that coastal California can be RV unfriendly. That could be one option if you can find a spot relatively close to work to rent. An RV also could make you more mobile and open up more opportunities for contract work. Another could be live aboard sail or power boat. Live aboard slip fees may be cheaper than area standard housing/apartment/room rent. Stuff that will not fit can be placed in storage and gone thru at your leisure or not if you don't want storage fees hanging over your head. Please remember this is coming from someone who grew up sanding bright work each spring and was taught to use an outboard before learning to ride a bike.

    I have some questions and I don't want answers, just maybe you might want to think about them. What is the return on investment you are getting or expecting to get from your mother and roommate? Is your input, financial, physical, spiritual etc., worth the output you are receiving from them? Sometime it seems easier to stay in a familiar rut than try something new. Is that 10K you are fronting your mom each year in the form of a reverse mortgage (with a formally written legal contract) and if not, why not?
    Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain

  6. #6
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    I'm with the above Housecarl. I think the writing is on the wall to get yourself to a different/better stomping ground. Having just cleared out my parent's place (60 years on the farm) last fall - don't let "stuff" tie you down. Keep the few things that are truly meaningful to you and live YOUR life.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Housecarl View Post
    Yeah I hear you. Heck roommate's retirement plan is along those lines.

    I'm pretty much looking at the house stuff in a similar fashion. The thread on heirlooms was an interesting tie in to what I'm doing right now.

    Despite my mother's actions, if anything goes south for her I'm still the only functioning adult left in the family so a trek east to Texas would literally be burning my side of the bridge.
    Maybe the proposition of you leaving the area will give her reason to reconsider.


    My mother closed out the "back to family" option after telling her that with my reduced means I couldn't front her the extra $10K+ I've been for the last seven years without "moving back" and being called by her a "bum" and not wanting me back at a family owned property despite my offering to pay rent.
    This would give me reason to consider other places....with much less guilt.
    Proud Infidel...............and Cracker

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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Housecarl View Post
    Yeah I hear you. Heck roommate's retirement plan is along those lines.

    I'm pretty much looking at the house stuff in a similar fashion. The thread on heirlooms was an interesting tie in to what I'm doing right now.

    Despite my mother's actions, if anything goes south for her I'm still the only functioning adult left in the family so a trek east to Texas would literally be burning my side of the bridge.

    So let me see if I understand you. You're going to stay there and basically crash and burn, to be there "just in case" your ungrateful, money-sucking mother (the one who called you a bum now that she can't suck money out of you) might need you someday.

    In my world, that's called an excuse. At least be intellectually honest about it.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old Gray Mare View Post
    Thinking outside the box. I've heard that coastal California can be RV unfriendly. That could be one option if you can find a spot relatively close to work to rent. Another could be live aboard sail or power boat. Live aboard slip fees may be cheaper than area standard housing/apartment/room rent. Stuff that will not fit can be placed in storage and gone thru at your leisure or not if you don't want storage fees hanging over your head. Please remember this is coming from someone who grew up sanding bright work each spring and was taught to use an outboard before learning to ride a bike.

    I have some questions and I don't want answers, just maybe you might want to think about them. What is the return on investment you are getting or expecting to get from your mother and roommate? Is your input, financial, physical, spiritual etc., worth the output you are receiving from them? Sometime it seems easier to stay in a familiar rut than try something new. Is that 10K you are fronting your mom each year in the form of a reverse mortgage (with a formally written legal contract) and if not, why not?
    Slip fees around here as I understand it are literally through the roof and the "Greenees" have those limited in numbers and to tax brackets I've only flirted with. Same "environmentalists" have gotten the RV situation as you pointed out. I've been looking at mobile homes (rent or purchase) and the killer is the space rent.

    As to "mom" I didn't go that route with her. probably should have, but didn't. I was doing what I saw as what I should do. Her going off the rails on me I wasn't expecting, at least to this extent. As I tell people, the Italian mother character in "Everyone Loves Raymond" was dialed down from reality.

    As I've told friends, if I were a drunk or degenerate gambler I could understand being in this mess a whole lot better, particularly in terms of kharma. I'm here because I was taking care of my familial responsibilities (late wife and mother) before my own comforts and being worn out because of it. Looking back, I can't see any substantive changes in course I could have made with the information I had available at the time.

    That all said Old Gray Mare, good questions for me to ask myself, thanks.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Housecarl View Post
    Yeah I hear you. Heck roommate's retirement plan is along those lines.

    I'm pretty much looking at the house stuff in a similar fashion. The thread on heirlooms was an interesting tie in to what I'm doing right now.

    Despite my mother's actions, if anything goes south for her I'm still the only functioning adult left in the family so a trek east to Texas would literally be burning my side of the bridge.
    I try not to give this type of advice often, but I'm going to this morning.

    You need to fully understand your mother has already made her decision to burn bridges. Let that sink all the way in.

    It really SUCKS when family does this, but I'd bet money this isn't the first time she has been hateful (and I'm sure it wouldn't be the last). You are not a "bad person" for being concerned about your own self-preservation. When we fly on airplanes the flight attendant tells us in their pre-flight spiel to "... secure your own oxygen mask" before trying to help anyone else. You must do the same.
    "Adversity makes you stronger. Don't give in. Don't back down. And never stop doing what you know is right."

    - President Donald J. Trump, US Coast Guard Academy commencement address, May 17 2017

  11. #11
    Tulsa Oklahoma. Look for a job there. I'm just musing that maybe you will find a good job there. Rent is much cheaper, gas $1.75...etc...

    Never been to heaven, but I've been to Oklahoma.... just check it out.

  12. #12
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    Despite what I said about RVs and boats, I would stay away from mobile homes. They are considered vehicles and depreciate. Getting a mortgage for one is an up hill battle even with outstanding credit. Check resale values very carefully. Maintenance on older ones can be very costly. My Mom's got infested with termites and some work had to be done. If you are planing on going into a well maintained seniors mobile home community and only planing on leaving feet first? Maybe.

    Could this be God giving you a nudge to get you where you need to go? Is there somewhere else that you may be needed more or your spirit may flourish? It sounds like you are way over due for a vacation. Could you wrap everything up, stuff everything into storage and take a road trip for a week or four? Maybe get some distance and perspective? Breathe?
    Last edited by Old Gray Mare; 06-19-2017 at 08:04 AM.
    Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain

  13. #13
    I feel for you. I have a house and barn stuffed with 25+ years of ours and both sides of family heirlooms. I have to get it sorted, cleared and property sold by the end of the year. This will be my full time job for the next six months.
    As far as you mama goes, it is either this or that time. No allowing her to call the dance if you are funding her 10G$ a year. Don't know the exact situation you have but if there is family property you can fairly rent and she is just being ugly about it...
    If you can now move somewhere else relatively unencumbered to get a better job and living situation do it. Mama will figure it out. You can go back to visit.
    Me thinks you know the answers already and just need validation to make the move forward. Forward.

  14. #14
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    Not sure of your Mom's age but it sounds like my MIL. These signs were the beginning of her dementia (nasty, angry, ungrateful and not wanting us around.) She's 87 and had to go into a nursing home, the year after we left. We felt bad about retiring and leaving CT, but we had to think of US. We call her once a week - sometimes she knows us sometimes not, sometimes pleasant other times angry. You need to put yourself first. We tossed alot of stuff but I scanned the photo albums into computer, finally found the files after 4 yrs and shared them. Moving to SC was the best thing. Pray about it and go where God leads you.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    So let me see if I understand you. You're going to stay there and basically crash and burn, to be there "just in case" your ungrateful, money-sucking mother (the one who called you a bum now that she can't suck money out of you) might need you someday.

    In my world, that's called an excuse. At least be intellectually honest about it.
    I started this thread for just such a view outside of my bubble Dennis. I've been in "react mode" since my wife died so a fresh start is what's needed. The "crash and burn" already happened. I've been waking up out of the fog I was in and getting myself together when this latest "bump" occurred.

    Well, right now to 6 months from now "staying" and getting myself sorted out at a lower "burn rate" seems to be the better option than a blind run across the border. I'm not going to make a move that big without a lot of research which I haven't done yet.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Housecarl View Post
    I'm not going to make a move that big without a lot of research which I haven't done yet.
    I don't know about that. It sounds like you've already started. Change can be hard.
    Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old Gray Mare View Post
    I don't know about that. It sounds like you've already started. Change can be hard.
    Yeah. I've just not done that deep of a dive into it. The housing situation side lined the "serious" job hunt.

  18. #18
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    Housecarl, there's a good line in the bible that I think you should follow, something about "shake the dust from your sandals..." Texas is a great place. San Francisco, not so much...
    If at first you don't secede, try, try again!

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonas Parker View Post
    Housecarl, there's a good line in the bible that I think you should follow, something about "shake the dust from your sandals..." Texas is a great place. San Francisco, not so much...
    Yeah that was one of the reasons for not taking that gig I mentioned. If I really had to do "my job" I could see the SF DA using me as a stepping stone to Sacramento.

  20. #20
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    As mentioned I don't expect answers to the following, just stuff to consider and make you think.

    10+ years of paying money to your mom and she burned the bridge now. Let it burn. She burned it over you being unable to pay. Let it burn and don't consider your future actions to be doing more damage. She basically said you have to pay for her love.

    On sorting stuff, oh boy. If you have multiple rooms I would pick a room and a corner of the room. And go. Nothing invades the empty space til room empty. Once room is empty you can put what you are keeping in there. You need room to work though, so empty a big space before just picking something up and putting it behind you.

    Fly lady and many other cleaning blogs all recommend just doing stuff for a while and taking a break. I often stop to surf here or play on youtube for a bit between working on things.

    You are at a point where you need to sort stuff down to what you must take to live, and yeah a few xtras will be included I am sure. Don't get trapped in the heirloom or antique trap. Right now your mental health and physical health is what you are after.

    Scanning photos and photos of furniture or stuff that belonged to so and so is what I would recommend.

    Start asking if people want stuff.

    I would seperate from the room mate and move to another state. Don't know what you do but there are people here more in tune with their area than I am as far as moving someone in and getting them a job.

    I would be careful thinking an rv is a perfect solution. Dennis did a thread on his and it involved a lot of work and repairs. The freedom for him and his dogs was well worth it, but it was not quick and it was not easy. 25 days is quick in repair terms for a vehicle you don't even have right now.

    I bought a stepvan back when they were cheap, now they are expensive. Box trucks and stuff might be an option but it depends on what you are wanting to accomplish. Just throwing stuff in a used vehicle and driving away is not a complete plan. And I would buy a used box truck to some extent because renting a u-haul is expensive to me. A box truck is easier to check out mechanically and has a lot less stuff to mess with than an rv. Just the rubber rv roofs make me shiver. A roof should be something nice and solid.

    Talk to the room mate about moving and pick their brain. Start looking for options in other states. I would go ahead and be figuring out if you are going to put the stuff in storage or what, storage costs money every month and you can have stuff damaged or stolen as well.

    Start talking to people and casting your net out for ideas. To some extent I don't know if anyone you know would help you with the sorting and moving of stuff or not.

    With what you say about the landlord, I would not do any deals with him. Move out and be gone.

    I am not 100% against the room mate and you finding a place together, but don't let the room mate get you into a bad situation. You both need to consider what is best for you.

    Others will be along with more advice. I would be careful with any monthly storage payments, they add up quick and if you do move you have stuff far away costing you money.

    I am a single guy and am somewhat willing to work on stuff, so that is why I mention vehicles and skip the u-haul. For someone who has zero interest in owning such a thing and sees it as a huge burden, a u-haul or equivalent is a better choice.

    Read up on rv stuff, I read about em all the time. The used ones in my price range all need work and an rv is like a house. You have plumbing, electrical, mechanical, and generally electrical is of 2 different kinds with vehicle electrical and rv electrical. Sometimes a generator as well.

    Much as a loan on a new one sounds good, it is a depreciating asset and expensive and I just have to admit I don't have the money to make depreciation on an rv loan worth while for diddly squat.

    I wish you luck. I would be making a list of things to do and working on things every day.

    Cat is lucky. Sounds like he/she/it has a home instead of someone sending it to a shelter.
    working on unplugging.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Housecarl View Post
    Yeah. I've just not done that deep of a dive into it. The housing situation side lined the "serious" job hunt.
    No offense Housecarl but maybe you need to work on your priorities. Without a decent job and income how are you going to afford housing where ever? Housing can be a hotel or a rented room if you have a job or income. Right now you have a few months of breathing room. Use it well. These months will pass in a blink.
    Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain

  22. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    When I had to reboot in 2011, I went through every single thing in the house, deciding what I wanted to keep, and what I could let go. (Going through the two file cabinets of family papers and deciding what to keep and what to destroy took a week by itself.) I must have left thousands of dollars of stuff in the house, and packed the rest into a storage unit. Took pretty much a month to sort it all out. Then I hit the road for Texas, and have never looked back. My suggestion is for you to do exactly the same. Come to Texas. There's tons of work here. I know how those on the Left Coast basically have to be dynamited away from it, but really, staying there is a considerable detriment to your life.
    I agree Dennis. I think most of us that have lived long enough have been through similar situations.
    To us the best solution was to travel light and get our ass out of Dodge. We did that more than once. Getting bogged down in the quagmire of our messes us the worst thing anyone can do. Run, run, run great feeling of freedom to hit the road.

  23. #23
    I'm backing a lot of people on here. It's unthinkable to me to do such a thing, but in your case it seems like a pretty clear solution. Frankly, after reading this, I'm not sure how your mother sleeps at night.

    Yeah, you're burning a bridge, but you're burning a bridge to keep the huns out of the camp. Huns that already plundered you once.

    Seems like a decent defensive move from here.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old Gray Mare View Post
    No offense Housecarl but maybe you need to work on your priorities. Without a decent job and income how are you going to afford housing where ever? Housing can be a hotel or a rented room if you have a job or income. Right now you have a few months of breathing room. They will pass in a blink.
    The job I've got right now is "steady" in terms of work available (ETA 2: and working conditions are excellent for what I'm doing), just messy regarding the schedule, pay rate and the "housing" options you've mentioned I've been looking into. As to "time", it passing in a blink is no "saying" but a reality. ETA 1: I've got less than 30 days left here.
    Last edited by Housecarl; 06-19-2017 at 08:57 AM.

  25. #25
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    I don't know what is going on with parents these days. My ex's parents talked him into letting them move into his place a few years ago. They insisted that the old house be demolished and a new manufactured home (1 1/2 stories, nice, and they paid for it) be put in instead. Then they talked him into some kind of trust giving them control over the property during their lifetimes (they are in their eighties), but assured him they would never kick him out. Literally while they were still in the lawyers office after he signed, they turned around and told him that now he needed to move out immediately.

    Quite honestly, I think he's going to be much happier without them (he's moved to a different state with his new wife), but it was still a stinking rotten thing to do -- he'd lived there, and made the payments, for twenty-five years. He will eventually get it back, I think, but still. What is going on with people?

    And Housecarl, moving is hard work and exhausting. Are you sure you want to move locally and then perhaps decide to move out of state a short time down the road? Seems like it might be smarter to just get it over with....I'm selling my property in Oregon, and am trying to decide where to move to. I want this to be our last move. (I don't know that we are going to look at Texas, though -- we are visiting my daughters in Ohio and NH -- we are in NH right now -- and hot muggy summers are NOT my thing.)

    Kathleen
    Behold, these are the mere edges of His ways, and how small a whisper we hear of Him.
    Job 26:14

    wickr ID freeholder45

  26. #26
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    Housecarl, the ties that are binding you are in fact holding you back from the next stage of your life. It sounds like you've done your best to live up to your moral obligations. Good for you, but your mom is essentially signaling it's time for you to get on with your life.

    Change is scary. Major changes like what you are faced with now require courage and a leap of faith.

    You're in a locale right now that is not ideal for someone needing a fresh start. Fortunately jobs are plentifully available all over the country and if you choose well, you can find a place that also has affordable housing options.

    I almost never get into these personal advice discussions but I know for a fact that you are a smart guy and that you will be successful in your next challenge stage. I have no doubt at all. It's just about taking the first step ... and yes, it's a doozy. But once you embark on that journey, you will wonder why you put it off as long as you did.

  27. #27
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    Housecarl after taking care of your wife and dealing with your mom you sound emotionally and spiritually drained. Sometimes it is hard to see what is really important when your attention and what little energy you have left is diverted to stomping out new brush fires every day.

    A good exercise that shouldn't take much time, energy or money would be to write up a couple of balance sheets. The first one containing tangible assets, income and expenses. Old fashion yes but it lets you see where you are financially at a glance. Next is the harder balance sheet. The one where you look at yourself and decide what's important to you. Can you afford intangible costs? Will you be able to continue to afford those costs? For how long? Is it worth it to you in the long run?

    As I get older I find I no longer have the time, physical strength or emotional desire to waste on other people's windmills.

    May the Good Lord bless you with the discernment needed for you to see the path he has put in front of you. May you have the wisdom to recognize the opportunity and not be too stubborn to take advantage of it.
    Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain

  28. #28
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    You could try a temporary 6 month move to somewhere else.

    Find a job at a new location with potential for things you like and maybe a few favored TB members in the area.
    Rent an apartment on a 6 month lease.
    Rent a storage unit at the new town. This gives you time to sort some things after the move.
    Rent a large U-haul truck for a single one-way trip and donate anything that doesn't fit in the truck to charity. Some of it goes to the apartment and the rest to storage for sorting in 3-4 months.
    Nothing says the room-mate can't come along as well, but don't let him tie you down to staying in the Bay area.
    If you hate the new location after 4-6 months, try another location or return to the Bay area.

    Good Luck!

  29. #29
    What is it that you think you need to hear?

    I ask this with kindness as I have been close to where you are now with the death of my Mother 21 years ago. My world was upended. I had a crap job and a house full of family stuff...and memories.

    I kept asking; what should I do? And the more frequent response was: live your own life for once!

    That was a very troubling response to me. After years of running code red for both my Sister and then my Mother,what exactly is my own life? And how do I live it, especially without them in it?

    Living my own life, starting over all that was not what I wanted to hear. To be frank, I don't think that I knew even what I wanted to hear.

    Let's address the bloody obvious: you've been everybody's rock but your own. As someone told me; it is time to fill your own cup. You did a splendid job of being the steady Eddy for your late wife, for your Mom. Now, turn and look to you. You need as much respect and consideration as they did.

    Your Mom: that was mean. It was uncalled for what she did. You say that you are the only one who could be there for her when she needs help. I bet she has friends. Let her turn to them then. Sharper than a serphents tooth an ungrateful parent. You need to look to you.

    Moving: don't jump the shark on this. Yes, Texas blooms with promise as does sections of the Midwest. However, maybe you should do a baby move first. My SIL tells me that the Chico area is awash in good jobs and reasonable rents. But you are right to not just jump out of the current area and paddle into the sea.. Do your homework.

    Prayers for your guidance and comfort going out to you.
    "Why not stay awake now? Who wants to sleep now with so much happening, so much to see? Life used to be dull you see...and you don't have to sleep alone, you don't even have to sleep at all; and so, all you have to do is show the stick to the dog now and then and say, 'Thank God for nothing.'"

    Drusilla, "The UNVANQUISHED. William Faulkner

  30. #30
    Pair down your stuff, look at adverts for group houses; I lived in Several - the are not as Dennis called the "communes" a real group house is usually professional people in the East Bay or San Francisco who SHARE a house; usually renting by the bedroom with shared kitchen and bathrooms. Our house 24 years ago had two computer programmers (eventually three) an organic Butcher, a civil servant, and an accountant. The ages varied from about 20 to early 50's....

    Yep you have to be careful, you want references and to talk to people who are former housemates (why did they leave?) Also how is the house run; are residents expected to attend a "house meeting" every week, or have dinner together? Is there a contract or list of rules? Is the house actually owned by one (or several) of the other people living there or is it rented? How are bills paid, is there a written contract formal or informal etc, etc..

    Many will ALLOW your cat, which is one reason I'm suggesting this (most apartments, especially the really tiny cubby holes you can probably rent yourself in the Bay Area) don't; but again check the pet policy, offer to let people meet your cat.

    In my experience which is dated now, but I have friends who still live in these setups; the best houses are those with a medium degree of inmate er..a..roommate interaction; if you have nothing than mistrust tends to build up and people start accusing each other of all sorts of stuff. Too much "togetherness" tends to lead to group think and almost commune type situations with too many rules (there are always people on power trips) and other related problems.

    Medium interaction would be about one house meeting/dinner a month; simple basic rules like "you make the mess, you clean it up" along with perhaps one "work day" every couple of weeks if there are problems getting the all around basic chores done (like vacuuming the public spaces, washing the windows etc).

    Don't look at this as a full time way to live, just a temporary breathing point while you keep your job and decide what to do next; as for moving, I'd look for the job first, and if you like living on the Coast I'd consider getting out of the Bay Area but moving to a less insane real estate option; even Seattle is better, we had friends with a good income who just relocated because they could afford a house in Seattle if they were careful and nothing in the Bay Area; which tells you just how insane the prices are.

    When husband was looking at medical jobs in Northern California; I pointed out to him that a place almost identical to our own was on the market for 8 million and I told him, "even if we had that kind of money I wouldn't pay that just for a location; if you have that kind of money better to buy something that is actually worth it even if you commute on the weekends."

    That is the other reason I'm suggesting a group house for now with an eye on an intentional move later, because when prices on real estate become THAT insane, eventually they will crash. I am old enough to remember when "Silly Valley" was "the armpit of the universe" the start-ups all went there because it was cheap. When even their well healed employees can't afford it anymore they will start moving (and they already have) to places that may still be attractive to 20 something nerd types, but can be lived in for one-fifth the cost (aka just about any University Town outside of Northern or Southern Coastal California).

    Good luck and please keep your kitty, the number of rescues we've had to deal with in Ireland since the crash because almost no rentals allow pets is astonding; our own home now has 18 permenent cats (at least five from people who had no choice but to move) and 28 if you count the foster rescues.
    expatriate Californian living in rural Ireland with husband, dogs, horses. garden and many, many cats

  31. #31
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    81,909
    Melodi,

    The cat is not negotiable. I had to re-home (not back to the shelter from whence they came) two others I had because they were aggressive towards my late wife who was diabetic and couldn't run the risk of even one scratch. Searches I've run have the cat as a major consideration. Not only is she an emotional support, the number of times I've slept through my alarms and she's woken me up have earned her such care.

    As to the group housing, I was running such a set up in the mid 90s so an familiar with all the "interesting times" they can generate, particularly with college students...lol. Such a set up is firmly on the consideration table as it were. My current schedule and that of my room mate are for the most part 180 from one another so that's worked out pretty well for both of us, just when I'm off and he's sleeping I make sure to not wake him up and visa versa and we eat together at least once every other day.

    The "fall back" is such a set-up that the roommate left due to chaos being generated by people who are now not there.

    Minky Cat,

    Yeah I've been taking care of everyone but myself. Just starting to do that when the latest "bump" came up.


    Old Grey Mare,

    Been running a "sheet" but need to do a deeper one as you suggest.


    Everyone, thank you for the input. Please feel free to add to the thread. I'll update you all as things develop.

    I asked for your input because I know I'm too close to all of this to see everything and am exhausted on all counts. Heck, I was watching Jeopardy a while back with the roommate, fell asleep sitting up on the sofa and according to him was correctly giving out answers to the questions in my sleep.
    Last edited by Housecarl; 06-19-2017 at 09:35 AM.

  32. #32
    I totally understand I have to be careful with the aggressive cats too; which is why any real ferals we rescue go out as TNR into the woods, I am glad your kitty is going with you.

    Yep, I'd avoid the college student thing, ALL of our housemates were at least just graduated and working (the 20 something) and there could still be drama (had to ask one couple to leave as wife had major mental health issues) but you know the score; in general employed (or usually employed) people only (and/or a elderly/disabled person on a pension depending on the situation).

    Living other people always has some drama, it can't be avoided totally but it can be kept down to a dull roar; we had alternating work habits which helped too, the Butcher worked the night shift, one programmer the swing shift (at least part of the time) the rest of us most days.

    Good luck to you and the kitty - if I hear of anything I'll let you know, but right now the only person I know who's desperately seeking a roommate is in New Mexico, I did have friends in Oakland (a married couple) but I think they are sorted now.
    expatriate Californian living in rural Ireland with husband, dogs, horses. garden and many, many cats

  33. #33
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    11,409
    It's hard to leave an area you know and love. Been there, done that. But, like that thread about Utica being gone now that was posted recently, the area will likely leave you if you stay, anyway. Places change, and quickly. People leave as businesses consolidate or move on, restaurants close or change hands, new folks move in.

    Would have to agree that finding a place where the potential income offers a chance for a reasonable living situation is your primary concern now. You will find that your emotional ties can quickly reform in your new haunt.

    Both the largely industrial area, which has boarded up like Detroit (though not so famously) where I grew up, and even Boston, have been largely emptied and resettled by new populations. There is no going home, because home isn't there anymore. Go where the people and atmosphere are most like where you lived and were happy. Decide if you want big city or smaller town, and where people are thriving.

    Like they said in finance, "There's always a bull market somewhere".

    Best of luck to you, HC. You will be an asset to society, a good neighbor, and a friend wherever you go.

  34. #34
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Behind Enemy Lines
    Posts
    135,100
    I'm from Portland (spits). Left in 1994, never to return. I missed the place terribly until recently. With all the Marxist crap going on there now, how do you think I feel about my decision to bolt? ("Lucky I got out when I did" is the correct answer, Alex.)

  35. #35
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Farvana
    Posts
    12,301
    Quote Originally Posted by Dennis Olson View Post
    I'm from Portland (spits). Left in 1994, never to return. I missed the place terribly until recently. With all the Marxist crap going on there now, how do you think I feel about my decision to bolt? ("Lucky I got out when I did" is the correct answer, Alex.)
    Agree. Run like hell. Forget the "stuff " as you just have to get rid of it later anyway. The stress is not worth it.
    The Operative: “The path to peace is paved with corpses. It’s always been so.”

    Malcolm Reynolds: “So me and mine got to lie down and die so you can live in your better world?”

  36. #36
    Reading this makes me realize how much the concept of the old school boarding house needs to return.

    While the group home is close, the old method, think back to the book, "Chicken Every Sunday" might be welcomed back today. You had a room with a bed, a dresser, shelves and a desk. Breakfast was a buffet on the table. Lunch was light. The main meal of the day was shared.

    You had the den Mother so to speak who collected rent for room and board. You had people to talk with...or not. Whatever you wanted or needed at that time.
    For young grads just starting out, for people in mid life transition and for the Seniors who disliked living alone, this was a good arrangement.

    However, I do know that insurance costs would put this right out of reach. Also, too much diversity would make for problems.

    Still, it might work...
    Last edited by minkykat; 06-19-2017 at 11:42 AM.
    "Why not stay awake now? Who wants to sleep now with so much happening, so much to see? Life used to be dull you see...and you don't have to sleep alone, you don't even have to sleep at all; and so, all you have to do is show the stick to the dog now and then and say, 'Thank God for nothing.'"

    Drusilla, "The UNVANQUISHED. William Faulkner

  37. #37
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    5,972
    HC, I was in Columbus, OH for 17 years and originally planning to retire there, but several things happened to me personally, as well as the environment, and now I'm here in Des Moines. That was a tough move for a 50-something, but hindsight showed me that I did the right thing at the right time, thank you, Lord.

    Re-read what Gib wrote in post #14 and then read the caregiving forum at City Data. Unless you have a POA for your mom and a clear understanding of your role, bail! Save yourself first.

    Also, I'll submit that you are too burned out to make good decisions right now. It might be worth taking a day or two off work so you can sleep and then consider this situation with a clear mind, but I strongly suggest putting yourself and your bottom line first. Once your resources are intact, you are then in a better position to help others.

    Remember: YOU are responsible for your retirement. No one else is going to bail you out. If you live that long, you will get old and find it difficult to work, so you need money and a solid plan.

  38. #38
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    SC
    Posts
    2,272
    During our move we were "homeless" for a month. We found a weekly rental motel that let us park the moving van in the back lot.

  39. #39
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    31,077
    Quote Originally Posted by Housecarl View Post
    Yeah I hear you. Heck roommate's retirement plan is along those lines.

    I'm pretty much looking at the house stuff in a similar fashion. The thread on heirlooms was an interesting tie in to what I'm doing right now.

    Despite my mother's actions, if anything goes south for her I'm still the only functioning adult left in the family so a trek east to Texas would literally be burning my side of the bridge.
    If what you said in the OP is true, she won't even rent a space she has available to you, even temporarily, then she's already done burnt that bridge so move on with your life!
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  40. #40
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Where hiking boots go to die
    Posts
    8,914
    Quote Originally Posted by Meemur View Post
    Remember: YOU are responsible for your retirement. No one else is going to bail you out. If you live that long, you will get old and find it difficult to work, so you need money and a solid plan.
    Retirement, health care, room, board, car costs, etc.

    From what you have said I wouldn't count on being mentioned in the will.
    Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain

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