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PLAY The Official 'Just Because' Humor Thread
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  1. #81
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    At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind
    the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her
    for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

    She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
    "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

    I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

    A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder
    and said, "What she really said was: 666136429."
    Proud Infidel...............and Cracker

    Member: Nowski Brigade

    Deplorable


  2. #82
    Thanks for the postings. Some really good laughs. I needed them !

  3. #83
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  4. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by Millwright View Post
    At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind
    the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her
    for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

    She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
    "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

    I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

    A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder
    and said, "What she really said was: 666136429."
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  5. #85
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  6. #86
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  7. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mixin View Post



    dayummmmmm good thing I wasn't drinking anything at the time!
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  8. #88
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    Thanks for the funnies!

  9. #89
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    If you have FaceBook go over to the Baltimore Police Departments page and read the comments under this photo, they are gut splittingly hilarious!




    Eastern District

    Officers arrest man with a loaded handgun during traffic stop

    On March 1, 2017, officers from the Eastern District Operations Unit pulled over a car in the 700 block of N. Rose Street. During the traffic stop, officers recovered a loaded handgun and drugs from inside the vehicle.

    36-year old Keith Gladden was arrested at the scene. He was transported to the Central Booking and Intake Facility. Gladden is a repeat offender and is prohibited from possessing a firearm.

    https://www.facebook.com/BaltimoreCi...type=3&theater


    Here are a couple of the comments - and there are thousands more that are even funnier.


    Tries to warn the citizens of Baltimore that the British are coming...gets pulled over.

    Officers also recovered a monocle, top hat, and distressed damsel.

    If it pleases the Peasants, brave Constables wish to inform us they have apprehended a young rapscallion armed with a pepperbox whilst operating his horseless carriage.

    People joking about this thing are sick. That gun could take down your horse with one shot and put a hole through your cloak after a lengthy reloading process!
    All these comments should be read at his hearing. Should be punishment enough. Lol

    Geez people, cut the guy some slack. He's survived polio, the plague, and the civil war. He needs this gun to begin his new life on the wild frontier.

    Loaded with what? I'm more curious as to how he stole this gun from the Smithsonian. Somebody call the Smithsonian and let them know Baltimore PD found their missing artifact.

    I can't believe this isn't a bigger story the only person who could possess a weapon like this has to be a time traveler
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  10. #90
    I needed this.....that is absolutely hilarious!

  11. #91
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    Proud Infidel...............and Cracker

    Member: Nowski Brigade

    Deplorable


  12. #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by HankHenry View Post
    I needed this.....that is absolutely hilarious!
    You're welcome.
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  13. #93
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    Proud Infidel...............and Cracker

    Member: Nowski Brigade

    Deplorable


  14. #94
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    Posts
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    Proud Infidel...............and Cracker

    Member: Nowski Brigade

    Deplorable


  15. #95
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    from an old goldbug forum:

    Seems like just yesterday...

    The president-elect won the election with less than 40% of the popular vote but had the majority of electoral votes.

    The Republican Party had put forth a candidate to win several crucial states that could swing the Electoral College.

    The election was a bitter one with the Democrat Party fractured between two candidates.

    The incoming president received so many death threats that he chose to arrive in Washington in secrecy.

    The security for the inauguration was the tightest ever with troops stationed on buildings throughout the day. This was an unprecedented amount of protection for any president-elect.

    Many members of Congress chose not to attend the ceremony
    Despite all this ....... Abraham Lincoln was sworn in as our 16th president on March 4, 1861.

  16. #96
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    Quote Originally Posted by Millwright View Post
    This....was pretty good.
    יְשׁוּעָה
    I am in competition with no one. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone. I am simply trying harder to be a better person than I was yesterday.
    TRUTH

  17. #97
    Quote Originally Posted by medic38572 View Post
    This....was pretty good.
    That's not a joke....it's a plan of action.

    I got a good deer joke.
    So there's this deer rancher just been at it a year or so. He had three bucks on his ranch and one day he pulls in with another, a monster.

    The largest of the established bucks would go 180 inches, Boone and Crocket, nice buck, but when he saw the new boy in town jump out of the horse trailer he was in, he immediately made it clear, he could have his does. No way was he gonna fight that 240 inches of horn...

    Well the 150 incher followed suit, gave up his does immediately.

    The little button buck on the other hand went ballistic. He was charging the fence that was in between them, snorting, pawing the dirt, just going nuts.....the Booner looked at him and asked what he was doing.... are you nuts.....

    The button responded, I just want to make sure he knows I'm a buck......

  18. #98
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  19. #99
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  20. #100
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  21. #101
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  22. #102
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  23. #103
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  24. #104
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  25. #105
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  26. #106
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  27. #107
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  28. #108
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  29. #109
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    Some days, I just 'need' to add a few laughs, here are what I have today...




















  30. #110
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    Not sure if this will show up or not.
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  31. #111
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    Cats have Chuck Norris-like reflexes.
    "The most intriguing point for the historian is that where history and legend meet."

    "None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who think they are free."

    Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


  32. #112
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    The Lonely Old Widow




    A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

    The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

    “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!”

    The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

    “You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.

    Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”

    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
    Last edited by Bardou; 03-28-2017 at 11:09 AM.

  33. #113
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    Quote Originally Posted by michaelteever View Post
    A few more...

    Michael
    That purple collar - I knew it was familiar! Thanks for finding that joke. That's from Sleeping Beauty, right?

    ho ho ho!


  34. #114
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    I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
    Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
    what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
    He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
    It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
    wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
    He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

  35. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bardou View Post
    I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
    Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
    what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
    He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
    It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
    wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
    He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
    that was a good one!
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  36. #116
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    http://youtu.be/h2qKtAog4Zo
    Jim Gaffigan’s (comedian) rant about health fads is almost poetic, I'm not sure who the host is but his rant about kale and milk is pretty good.
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  37. #117
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    THE ‘CYCLE OF LIFE’

    Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California.

    Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.


    They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. "Where you wanna go?"

    "Hooters."

    "Why?"

    "Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the

    tight shorts. The legs..."

    "OK."


    Ten years later at 40 they play. "Where you wanna go?"

    "Hooters."

    "Why?"

    "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and

    everybody has a little action on the games."

    "OK."


    Ten years later at 50. "Where you wanna go?"

    "Hooters."

    "Why?"

    "The food is good and there is plenty of parking."

    "OK."


    At 60 - "Where you wanna go?"

    "Hooters."

    "Why?"

    "Wings are half price."

    "OK"


    At 70 - "Where you wanna go?"

    "Hooters."

    "Why?"

    "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."

    "OK."


    At 80 -

    "Where you wanna go?"

    "Hooters."

    "Why?"


    "We've never been there before.

  38. #118
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    A man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

    He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

    “My son, Bob, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

    “My daughter Susan, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

    “My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

    “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

    The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as the man slips away, the nurse says, “your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

    The wife replies, “The idiot had a paper route.”

    -Mr. Saddleburr

  39. #119












    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  40. #120
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

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