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PLAY The Official 'Just Because' Humor Thread
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  1. #41
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    WOW!!

    Qui tacet consentire videtur

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bardou View Post
    >

    > Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
    > Detroit ,
    >
    > 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled
    > Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered,
    > It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
    > Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
    > Table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
    > Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
    >
    > Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
    > Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
    >
    > Submitted by RN no name,
    >
    > AND FINALLY!!. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
    >
    > 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
    > I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
    > I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
    >
    > The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
    > And further embarrassing me.
    > I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ..
    > ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
    > She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
    >
    > ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . .
    > ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
    >
    > Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > 1 MORE
    >
    > Baby's First Doctor Visit
    >
    > This made me laugh out loud.
    > I hope it will give you a smile!
    >
    > A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
    >
    > The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
    > 'Breast-fed,' she replied..
    >
    > 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
    >
    > She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
    >
    > Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
    >
    >
    > I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma.
    ---------------------

    My friend sent this to me, I needed this laugh!
    These three were the best, thank you for sharing!
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  3. #43
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    Time to step up, thought I'd share a few.

    Michael

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off, hit a cracking drive, and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please let me to help. I'm a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you'd allow me."

    "Oh, no, don't touch it! Maybe the swelling will go down in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "There. Now how does that feel?"

    "Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  4. #44
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    This isn't quite a joke, but I still laughed, so I figured, why not.



    When asked about what he thinks about General Mattis being confirmed for Secretary of Defense, Rob O’Neill (the man who killed Bin Laden) said, “General Mattis has a bear rug in his home; but it is not dead, it is just afraid to move”.

  5. #45
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    A few more.
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  6. #46
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    I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor. He got a 0.

    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
    * his last battle

    Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
    * at the bottom of the page

    Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
    * liquid

    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
    * marriage

    Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
    * exams

    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
    * Lunch & dinner

    Q7. What looks like half an apple?
    * The other half

    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
    * Wet

    Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
    * No problem, he sleeps at night.

    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
    * You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
    * Very large hands

    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
    *No time at all, the wall is already built.

    Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
    *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
    Last edited by michaelteever; 02-04-2017 at 02:57 PM.

  7. #47
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    Some more...
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  8. #48
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    And some more
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  9. #49
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    And some more...
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  10. #50
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    Again a few more...
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  11. #51
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    A few more...
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  12. #52
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    The last of this batch...

    Enjoy,

    Michael
    Attached Images

  13. #53
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    I just got this in my email:

    Lunch with the Pope

    President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

    It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

    The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

    The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

    The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.

    No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

    But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"



    So I thought it was really funny when I saw this..... So I just had to post it! LOL!!


    Quote Originally Posted by Magdalen View Post
    Sort of jokes. Kind of like those Chuck Norris jokes.

    If Trump cured cancer today, the headlines tomorrow would read, "Trump ruins job opportunities in cancer research."

    If Trump walked on water, the headlines would read, "Trump can't swim."
    ( \ o / )
    / _ \

    Sammy55:
    Following my Lord-
    Where He leads me,
    What He wants of me,
    Who He wants me to be.

  14. #54
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    Since we are on a roll, thought I'd throw this out.

    Michael

    (kind of crude, but still funny)

    One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

    He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

    In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over. He dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the door of the next room.

    In it was Al Gore with a sledge- hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

    "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.

    I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented Obama.

    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said....



    "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

  15. #55
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    I believe I viewed this one here before, or maybe in a different e-mail.

    Michael

    Three days ago, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

    He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

    The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton”.

    The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.” The man thanked him and again walked away.

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?” The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!”

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow."

  16. #56
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    A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

    The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply.

    "Young man, I thought that you said you would hold that car till we raised the
    $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

    "And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

    The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a
    large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready,
    didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?",
    replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

    Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the
    car keys to the old man.

    "There you go," she said.

    "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price!"

    "See you later, Dad, Happy Father's day!"

  17. #57
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    You Had One Job ‏@_youhadonejob1 8h
    It's not stupid if it works.
    shōu xnyngkă ma?

  18. #58
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    Mongo only pawn in game of life

    When the candles burnin' down, when midnight comes around
    Know the best that we could hope for is to be laughin' when we finally hit the ground

  19. #59
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    For some reason, which I can't actually explain, other than humor is what 'floats my boat'. I want this thread to 'carry on' for a few days/weeks/months.

    Laughs truly are the best medicine...

    Michael

    Here are a few more comics with some witty commentary:
    Attached Images

  20. #60
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    A few more...

    Michael
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  21. #61
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  22. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by michaelteever View Post
    A few more...

    Michael
    The one by Rowe is the best!
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  23. #63
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  24. #64
    A woman was touring a palace in India. Urgently needing a bathroom, she walked down a dark corridor and mistakenly opened a closet. Inside was an old lamp. Hoping that it would help her find the restroom, she tried to light it.
    Suddenly a Djinn appeared in a cloud of tiny dazzling lights. It announced that it would grant her three wishes. "Great," she said, "let me think a moment." The Djinn replied, "Go ahead." The lady said, "Tell me what kinds of things I can wish for." The Djinn answered, "You can wish for material things like money, jewels, cars, boats, or even houses. You cannot wish for intangibles like health, love or wisdom."
    "I understand," said the woman, "so listen closely." The Djinn promised he would. "First," said the woman, "I want ten billion dollars." "Sorry," said the Djinn, "but you have already used up your three wishes."

    ================================================== ========
    Q: Which is better, true love or a stale doughnut?
    A: A stale doughnut. Nothing is better than true love, and a stale doughnut is better than nothing.

    ================================================== ========
    Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? A: Chelsea Clinton.

    Q: Why should all Democrats be buried alive 100 feet deep? A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

    Q: When do Democrats like the idea of a flat tax? A: After it reaches 95%

    "The man who can befriend someone who does not like him, is either a politician, and thus cannot be trusted, or a fool, and thus should not be a politician."

    If you give three liberals a light bulb what would happen? The first one would say it's causing global warming, The second one would say it's racist, The third one would say it's not a light bulb unless Obama says let there be light.
    ================================================== ==========

    Q: What does a black man have that is two times bigger than what a white man has and gets bigger when he touches a woman?
    A: A criminal record

    Q: Why does Mike Tyson always cry after he has sex?
    A: The mace
    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  25. #65
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    Quote Originally Posted by Possible Impact View Post
    You Had One Job ‏@_youhadonejob1 8h
    It's not stupid if it works.
    It's not really infinite energy because you have to feed the cat!

    Kathleen
    Behold, these are the mere edges of His ways, and how small a whisper we hear of Him.
    Job 26:14

    wickr ID freeholder45

  26. #66
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    Bump, just for fun.

    Plus, I can't remember when I don't appreciate a good laugh, or perhaps a hearty 'laugh out loud' moment.

    Michael

  27. #67
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    Here's some more!!
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  28. #68
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    More.
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  29. #69
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    another..
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  30. #70
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  31. #71
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  32. #72
    Quote Originally Posted by packyderms_wife View Post
    Re Mr. Moobs in the left pic, he'd better be like this guy to not get laughed out of the Sexual Marketplace:



    Re the prepubescent-appearing chicklet on the right, if she doesn't ripen, she'd better not run out of kneepads, if she wants to keep any solvent nonpedo >6 guys around longterm.

    Saddest funny personal ad ever placed:

    "Man with extremely severe premature ejaculation problem wishes to meet "OH D*AMN!! Never mind!".
    Proud member Alt-Right group "Scientists For Trump". (Smart Americans know he's right.)
    A man should only take a wife whose Bible includes Genesis, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Colossians, Malachi, Isaiah, Ephesians, Corinthians, Hebrews, Timothy, Titus, Proverbs, Mark, Peter & Revelation. Ecclesiastes 7:28 (NIV) tells him the odds.

  33. #73
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    Just because...

    Why are they all looking and laughing at Michelle Obama on Inauguration day?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me9fDW7UyZc



    Video of Michelle and others (GWB, Hillary) at Inauguration with speech balloons showing what the others are thinking about Michelle being a man.

  34. #74
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  35. #75
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  36. #76
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  37. #77
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  38. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by packyderms_wife View Post
    I'm thankful I have already finished supper!
    And how we burned in the camps later, thinking: What would things have been like if every Security operative, when he went out at night to make an arrest, had been uncertain whether he would return alive and had to say good-bye to his family? If...if...We didn't love freedom enough. And even more we had no awareness of the real situation.... We purely and simply deserved everything that happened afterward.
    ― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

  39. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by Garryowen View Post
    I'm thankful I have already finished supper!
    I'm guessing the vet was probably thinking the same thing.
    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

  40. #80
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    People are quick to confuse and despise confidence as arrogance but that is common amongst those who have never accomplished anything in their lives and who have always played it safe not willing to risk failure.

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