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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife
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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Valley of the Sun, AZ
    Posts
    142

    10 Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

    Just try reading this without laughing!!!

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife


    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:


    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket / purse-sized Taser.

    The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat!
    in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

    The directions said that:


    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. ..

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    • I had no control over the drooling.
    • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
    Psalms 51:10, "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    State of confusion
    Posts
    9,793
    I haven't been able to see straight for at least a minute
    "...Cry 'Havoc' and let slip the cats of war..."
    Itís a real pisser when your belief system gets T-boned by reality.
    Iím not afraid of dying...I just donít want to be there!
    ...sell your cloak, and buy a sword...Second Amendment 1.0

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Fl
    Posts
    6,022
    ...I bought my wife a Ruger SR-9. Then I bought her a 9mm carbine. Didn't even consider seeing if they worked on myself. She loves both of them.
    1 7 7 6

    Time for a change


    AGAIN

    .................................................. ......................

    "But when a long train of abuses and usurpation s, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government"

    My Blog :http://www.humilityclarityandcourage.com/

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Flake City USA
    Posts
    6,276
    Sadly, these lovely devices are illegal in the state I reside in.
    And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh. Luke 21:28

    Preparing a People to Meet Jesus

    Revelation 14:6-12


    Click here for a FREE book - Absolutely NO Obligation:

    http://www.3asdchurch.org/free.htm

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Jefferson
    Posts
    8,399
    You owe me a laptop, a fresh Scotch and my LazyBoy and the carpet cleaned......hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!!
    We have done so much, with so little, for so long....We can now do anything, with nothing, forever.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    State of confusion
    Posts
    9,793
    Quote Originally Posted by Signwatcher View Post
    Sadly, these lovely devices are illegal in the state I reside in.
    Move.
    "...Cry 'Havoc' and let slip the cats of war..."
    Itís a real pisser when your belief system gets T-boned by reality.
    Iím not afraid of dying...I just donít want to be there!
    ...sell your cloak, and buy a sword...Second Amendment 1.0

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    South of Portland
    Posts
    7,377
    I've seen this "joke" several times over the last decade....in various places on the web.

    I have Tear Gas placed right next to my Glock 19 which is right next to my bed and computer...

    Yes self defence is still legal in Oregon....I wonder for how much longer?

    ====

    Brings back memories....in Marine Corp Boot Camp (1966) they shuffled us all into a closed quonset hut and then lobbed a Tear Gas canister....and shut the door.

    Tear gas definitely got my attention....OMG!!!

    The only thing you can think of while under the influence of Tear Gas...is...WHERE IS MY NEXT BREATH GOING TO COME FROM.

    Personally, I'd say that Tear Gas is more effective and easier to use than a Taser....but that's just me.
    Last edited by JF&P; 07-23-2019 at 12:24 AM.
    JOHN 3:16 / John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you FREE.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    W. Georgia
    Posts
    7,047
    A golden oldie, but still one of the funniest things I've ever read.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by JF&P
    Personally, I'd say that Tear Gas is more effective and easier to use than a Taser....but that's just me
    maybe... but it lacks selectivity. Your OWN effectiveness and abilities will also be degraded badly, unless you donned a gas mask or respirator (with full face shield) before deploying the tear gas.

    At least capsaicin spray is directional...

    Summerthyme

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