Children's Crusade Comments

[carioca]

This one is unfinished, but I'm up to 60k words. Hopefully I'll be able to complete it so that there aren't long posting delays.

You have seen some of the characters before in other stories.


http://www.timebomb2000.com/vb/showt...84#post4261084

[carioca]

I started this series of stories as a reaction to an archetype prevalent in groups of survivors in zombie stories.

I'm sure you've seen it before, the group is mostly men, and if there are any children, there on only one or two and their only role is to tug at heartstrings and be rescued. In real life 'PAW's, there are always women and children, in most cases the men actually die off first.




So CC is a bit of a 'what if'...


What if there were a group of survivors that were mostly children? How would it come about? How would they deal with other groups? With adults in their own group? (Because children will see, and point out, when adults in charge are clearly incompetent)

In addition, there are no mad scientists experimenting, no government conspiracies or cover-ups, Soldiers are not mindless myrmidons holding fealty to corrupt politicians. Take the real world, add zombies, give it a little shake, then watch what happens to a couple of busloads of 3-11th graders when the zombie apocalypse happens during their field trip.


Each scene is from the POV of a single character with the 'camera' tight behind the shoulder of the POV character. If you spot a POV switch within a scene, please let me know.

[awhobert7]

Good start keep it up!

[nancy98]

Sorry I didn't see the comment thread until I had already posted with the chapters.

Thanks

[kaijafon]

I too am guilty of posting on the story thread...sorry. I will try to remember to use this one.

[carioca]

ok, feel free to post lots and lots of chapters ....that way...I can..... hmmmmm... determine if this is a super great story or just a brilliant one... yeah.


LOL! MOAR PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!

but *why* do you like it?

What do you think about Alex?

Jeremy?

Jenny?

The others?


Like them? hate them? why?

Anything confusing? boring? Anything that just makes you say 'huh'?

[carioca]

I can see the MOAR zombies lining up for this story as I type...it's getting bad out here...they look hungry...oh so shambling in their walk and oh so hungry for....

But *why* are they hungry for more?

Did they like Zoe or hate her?

Do they want to see her die?

Do they think she'll save her kids?


Do they remember seeing her in another story?

[Awaredays]

ZED fun. Great start. Keep up the good work

[sssarawolf]

I am not usually much for Zombie stories but this isnt bad at all, thank you.

[nancy98]

Pretty intense there. ;-)

Thanks

[223shootersc]

another good one started, need more now please

[carioca]

I am not usually much for Zombie stories but this isnt bad at all, thank you.

Probably because it is about the people, not the zombies. The Zombies are only the background, like a nuclear exchange, a pandemic or a meteor strike. They set the scene but are not the story.

[carioca]

Pretty intense there. ;-)

Thanks

There will be more, I dont think telling you that is a spoiler.

[carioca]

another good one started, need more now please

What was good about it? anything confusing?


Anyone keeping track of the number of adults on the buses?

[bad_karma00]

I like it because the kids are stepping up. Like ignoring the demand to bring the bus back and leave the others in the wreck. That's a load, and the kids recognize it. I've got a nephew who would do the same thing. I really liked where the little boy was instructing Zoe on how to properly handle the revolver. Made my day right there, since I've got boys who would be in the same spot. "No, no, not like that, like this," lol.

I thought the story had a good flow to it as well. Transitions were smoothly done from one scene to the next. And, I like the fact that there's no 'back story' on how this got started. We're learning things at the same time the characters are, and that's a good thing, IMO, especially with a story like this.

Finally, I appreciate the confusion, and panic written into the characters. They have no idea what's happening, and have to take each event with only the knowledge of what they can see for themselves.

Good work! Also, I apologize for initially commenting on the story thread. I didn't see this until just now. I'll see if I can edit it out.

Bad

[carioca]

Ditto...moar please....with whipped cream cheese and powdered sugar on top.

thanks, Sis

Ok, fine....

but don't you have any comments, any suggestions to make the story better, or even anything you liked a lot and don't want cut in the final version?

[carioca]

I like it because the kids are stepping up. Like ignoring the demand to bring the bus back and leave the others in the wreck. That's a load, and the kids recognize it. I've got a nephew who would do the same thing. I really liked where the little boy was instructing Zoe on how to properly handle the revolver. Made my day right there, since I've got boys who would be in the same spot. "No, no, not like that, like this," lol.

I thought the story had a good flow to it as well. Transitions were smoothly done from one scene to the next. And, I like the fact that there's no 'back story' on how this got started. We're learning things at the same time the characters are, and that's a good thing, IMO, especially with a story like this.

Finally, I appreciate the confusion, and panic written into the characters. They have no idea what's happening, and have to take each event with only the knowledge of what they can see for themselves.

Good work! Also, I apologize for initially commenting on the story thread. I didn't see this until just now. I'll see if I can edit it out.

Bad

Thanks for the comments.

I'm sticking to third person limited, each scene is written from inside one character's head. (I think I've managed not to do any head-hopping). The reader should get their thoughts and feelings, but has to infer the other characters from what the POV character actually notices.

next scene up.

[carioca]

Oh shucks, Cliff.....don't cha leave me hanging here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moar please, with whipped chocolate frosting on top!!!

; )

This a more comfortable handhold?

[OldArcher]

I like it because the kids are stepping up. Like ignoring the demand to bring the bus back and leave the others in the wreck. That's a load, and the kids recognize it. I've got a nephew who would do the same thing. I really liked where the little boy was instructing Zoe on how to properly handle the revolver. Made my day right there, since I've got boys who would be in the same spot. "No, no, not like that, like this," lol.

I thought the story had a good flow to it as well. Transitions were smoothly done from one scene to the next. And, I like the fact that there's no 'back story' on how this got started. We're learning things at the same time the characters are, and that's a good thing, IMO, especially with a story like this.

Finally, I appreciate the confusion, and panic written into the characters. They have no idea what's happening, and have to take each event with only the knowledge of what they can see for themselves.

Good work! Also, I apologize for initially commenting on the story thread. I didn't see this until just now. I'll see if I can edit it out.

Bad

Carioca,

I have to agree with bad_karma00's entire post. Very, very lifelike...

Robert Heinlein, with whom I've compared your work (very favorably), always insisted on putting "ordinary" people into extraordinary situations- THEN watch to see what they'd do... In effect, you, like Heinlein, let the characters drive the story... Your depth of character development brings me back. Blood, guts, and gore can only do so much. HOW they develop, is the hook, which you have so adroitly set... And yes, the scene of a little one teaching someone older how to shoot a handgun, that is/was priceless... I wish you all the best, and will continue to eagerly await each new installment. Already, I find myself rereading your work, as I did Heinlein's (and I still do...). I started reading Heinlein at the age of six. Orphans of the Sky, it was... I also reread S.M. Stirling, Jerry D. Young, Gary D. Ott, Jerry Pournelle, Larry Niven, and a few "oldies," like Edgar Rice Burroughs, Jules Verne, and Arthur Conan Doyle. You, Carioca, are, indeed, in august company... I wish you and yours well, that you always be in good health, safe, and forever, free...

I've wondered, I confess, if this is to keep your "blade" sharp, perhaps between books you may have already published? You have, undoubtedly, talent beyond the usual poster on such fora as these... We do have a handful of authors/writers here, that I've oft wondered, if they, too, are not published? Regardless, we, the humble readers here, are blessed to have such, for entertained, entranced, and enscorceled are we...

OldArcher, out...

[carioca]

Carioca,

I have to agree with bad_karma00's entire post. Very, very lifelike...

Robert Heinlein, with whom I've compared your work (very favorably), always insisted on putting "ordinary" people into extraordinary situations- THEN watch to see what they'd do... In effect, you, like Heinlein, let the characters drive the story... Your depth of character development brings me back. Blood, guts, and gore can only do so much. HOW they develop, is the hook, which you have so adroitly set... And yes, the scene of a little one teaching someone older how to shoot a handgun, that is/was priceless... I wish you all the best, and will continue to eagerly await each new installment. Already, I find myself rereading your work, as I did Heinlein's (and I still do...). I started reading Heinlein at the age of six. Orphans of the Sky, it was... I also reread S.M. Stirling, Jerry D. Young, Gary D. Ott, Jerry Pournelle, Larry Niven, and a few "oldies," like Edgar Rice Burroughs, Jules Verne, and Arthur Conan Doyle. You, Carioca, are, indeed, in august company... I wish you and yours well, that you always be in good health, safe, and forever, free...

I've wondered, I confess, if this is to keep your "blade" sharp, perhaps between books you may have already published? You have, undoubtedly, talent beyond the usual poster on such fora as these... We do have a handful of authors/writers here, that I've oft wondered, if they, too, are not published? Regardless, we, the humble readers here, are blessed to have such, for entertained, entranced, and enscorceled are we...

OldArcher, out...

Thanks for the encouragement, I've been out sick for a while

No, nothing published, only some rejections.

next scene up.

[Siskiyoumom]

Hey now, don't get discouraged!

Rejections are a part of the life of an author!

Pick your recipients well and you will find some wise soul who will see the
gold in your efforts.

I really am enjoying your story and hope that when you fill up to it, you will add to the
treasure chest here.

God bless ya, take your D3, Protandim and get thee healthy.

Sis

[nancy98]

Thanks for the encouragement, I've been out sick for a while

No, nothing published, only some rejections.

I saw an interview with Rawlins about her first Harry Potter book. She had dozens of rejections. You're in good company.

And what Sara said.

[carioca]

Yea chapter 14

What other tales are you planing for this series ?

Phantom

Spoiler space










I'm sure most of you realize these stories are connected to each other. If you look carefully you will see characters from one story appearing in another.

Joel from 'Karma' appears in 'Marla' as 'Captain Hansen' and Marla shows up later in 'The Letter'

I've got three with bare bones outlines:

'From the Barrel of a Gun' - A sort of sequel to CC, mostly about the other group on the radio in 'Marla' but continueing after the end of CC and including some of the characters.

'Two Legged Wolves' - What to do with the prisoners in the county jail? What if some of them are on trial for multiple murders but haven't been convicted?

'Deathdealers' - The story of the soldiers in 'The Letter'

Of course I need to finish CC before I start them, don't I?

[Phantom]

Even more Spoiler space

Spoiler space










I'm sure most of you realize these stories are connected to each other. If you look carefully you will see characters from one story appearing in another.

Joel from 'Karma' appears in 'Marla' as 'Captain Hansen' and Marla shows up later in 'The Letter'

I've got three with bare bones outlines:

'From the Barrel of a Gun' - A sort of sequel to CC, mostly about the other group on the radio in 'Marla' but continueing after the end of CC and including some of the characters.

'Two Legged Wolves' - What to do with the prisoners in the county jail? What if some of them are on trial for multiple murders but haven't been convicted?

'Deathdealers' - The story of the soldiers in 'The Letter'

Of course I need to finish CC before I start them, don't I?

Cool and yes finishing CC would be good.
but then i'm waiting on 29 too

Phantom

[carioca]

If it weren't for zombies it would be very hard to convey
the importance of preparedness !!

I'm not sure what you mean by this....

[carioca]

Very good chapter. I've wondered before why a writer hadn't thought of going through one floor to get to another room above or below. I think you're the first. Well done.

It always seemed obvious to me too.

Next scene up.

[carioca]

Oh look, Cliff has come to visit.

Was there anything confusing? something you had to reread to see what happened? How were the character interactions?

[carioca]

Thanks for the new chapter. Why did the little boy get sick?

from the first part of the story:

Zoe went over the roll again, just to be sure she had it marked correctly. More than half of her class was absent. It must be that flu, most of yesterday's absences were because of it, many of those were still out sick, but two of the kids were missing again today with no word as to why. "Okay kids, everyone have their lunches?" When she was sure they did, she led them to the auditorium and waited for the other classes. The kids finally came, escorted by the assistant principal and another teacher.

[carioca]

A lil visit from cliff

[nancy98]

Dang it! Why is it so hard to remember to post comments here instead of at the story? Sorry.

Thanks bunches. It's a really good story.

[carioca]

I had to read it twice because it was moving so fast my mind couldn't keep up !!
Thanks for another great chapter !!

Was there anything confusing? did it need more details? less?

next scene up

[Dreamer]

Oh man, that was a really moving chapter. Thank you.

[carioca]

Grrr... I have had Jeremy up on top of that bus with a rifle for months and I'm just stuck.

Anyone interested in a fantasy?

[Bookwyrm]

I like fantasy and wouldn't mind reading one by you.

Or did you mean that you were going to have Jeremy rescued by a blue fairy riding a pink and purple spotted winged unicorn?

[Roknrandy]

Keep working at it, you have written a great series of stories so far

[lross45]

I was hoping you would be unstuck by now. I'm sure Jeremy gotta be getting cold on top of the bus. Was enjoying the story be nice to see more chapters.

Larry