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Thread: Idiot

  1. #1

    6 Idiot


    This was late summer, 1985. I was Recently out of the Army--an experience that thoroughly jangled my nerves.

    Landed a Job in Valparaiso, Ind.--Just about as far from my Evansville home as I could get, and still be in The Nation.

    They still stuck to the Old Tradition of Dragging Main on Friday and Saturday Night. I've seen the same thing in Medium-Small towns in Kentucky.....

    Teen agers drive the length of Main St--first one direction, then another.....Round; and Round; and Round.

    People gather on the streets like it was Hillbilly Mardi Gras.

    My .45 Government Model was the only Gun that I'd taken with me to Valparaiso. I'd carried it for years in a Holster-Less crotch carry. That Night, for no particular reason that I can now recall, I put my .45 in my Chapman High-Ride, on the point of my right hip--and donned a Woodland Camo BDU Shirt; Sleeves rolled back in proper Army Manner; the front left unbuttoned, in a most Unmilitary-Like Manner.

    I had my Van, but I'd parked several blocks away. I figured that if I really wanted to see this Freak-Show properly, that I needed to examine it up close and personal.

    After an hour or two, I felt the call of nature. There were a few businesses that had Rest Rooms--but there was a long line for all of them. Besides, the Employees could get all Wet; Soggy and Remarkably Saline and Uppity about folk using their facilities, when they weren't customers.

    I opted to go into a dark alley instead.

    I was standing bow-legged and actually still in the process of Urinating.....

    And just at this point a Dude comes running up to me.

    "I got what you need, right here" He shouted incongruously--While shoving a full-sized Black Uzi, stock folded back, into my face--at a distance of two or three inches.

    Never did a bunch of Weapon retention work--that takes a partner. I was in pretty good shape though, and I did plenty of "Speed-Draw" and "Dry-Fire" Drills.

    Uziel was to my left. I automatically turned 90 degree to my left. I brushed the Uzi out of my face, with my left hand.I felt my right hand grasp the butt of my .45. and maybe I'd went so far as to draw it a fraction of an inch.

    At any rate, I couldn't have moved any farther without being fully committed to my firing stroke.

    Somehow, even as I shoved the Uzi out of the way, a tactile sensation in the knife edge of my left hand screamed.....

    "Too Light: Plastic; Hollow; Toy; Squirt Gun!"

    I let loose of a string of profanities that would have amazed a Drunken Pirate.

    Uziel turned out to be a 15 year old teenager--about 5' 2"--Maybe 130 pounds--pudgy and with long black hair.

    I'm pretty sure that he never saw my Gun, and he never knew how close to dying he came that night.

    It would have been a real treat explaining to the Laws, why I'd gunned down a teen with a Squirt Gun.

    My other Gun? Well I didn't wee-wee-wee on me. Might have gotten some on him--not that I care.....

    Nor do I have any memory of putting my Horse away, and shutting his barn door--but I must have.

    The Dude? He turned out to be a well known Wag and practical joker. I saw him several more times that night--"Playfully" Threatening folks with a Snake.

    I can do without Snakes--very easily.

    So what do y'all think?


  2. #2 about a short story


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