sottise en quarantaine

[Bumblepuff]

Relentlessly pursued by creditors, King Kong fought to his bitter tragic end rather than submit to high
interest fees for his unpaid bills. It all began when the exhibit of King Kong became unprofitable due to
his continuous gorging on exotic foods and fermented fruit juices imported from Asia and Africa during the
off-hours he was not busy entertaining the curious public. After numerous bills went unpaid and King Kong's
manager absconded to an undisclosed location in South America, the services of a professional collection
agency were sought. The Boomerang Brothers, a newly formed company of Australian immigrants eager to
prove their mettle, eagerly took the case to make a name for themselves in the Big Apple. The Boomerang
Brothers were so persistent in hounding the brutish welsh that King Kong went apeschitt and climbed to the
top of the Empire State Building to escape their reach. What King Kong did not know was that the Boomer-
ang Brothers had been anticipating such a desperate ascension and were fully prepared. They launched
airplanes, several of which pulled large banners advertising their services and low-payment plans, for the
Boomerang Brothers could not pass up a golden opportunity for free public advertising during a citywide
crisis with countless eyewitnesses looking skyward, and their other airplanes were armed with machine
guns to be used with extreme simian prejudice if King Kong refused to pay up fast. All King Kong had to do
was press his thumb print onto a passing banner flown by his face in acceptance to begin negotiations at
ground level, and the financial dispute would be amicably resolved. However, when King Kong lashed out
at one of the airplanes and sent the pilot plummeting to his fiery death, the great ape made his greatest
blunder. The remaining pilots were ordered to shoot him down pronto because nobody no matter how big
or important ever messes with the Boomerang Brothers and gets away with it because their payback will
always return to the guilty source. Once King Kong's fallen lifeless body had been examined and photo-
graphed by New York City police, the Boomerang Brothers realized they needed reimbursement for their
costly expenses, so they decided to sell the gigantic gorilla's corpse before the flies and rats got first dibs.
King Kong's flesh was butchered and sold to elite New York restaurant chefs as "exotic bush meat" and
was very popular; his thick hide was cut and made into fashionable boots, wallets, purses, belts and other
leather items; his long hairs were woven into durable dirt resistant coats, hats and rugs; his monstrous
skeleton was sold to an eccentric multimillionaire collector as the center exhibit in his private primate
museum; his internal organs were sold to pet food manufacturers who canned them as culinary canine
delights in high demand by New York dog owners, and his remaining body parts were discreetly sold to
Chinese restaurants. Although the Boomerang Brothers recouped their costs by selling King Kong's king
size muscles, skin and bones, they were completely surprised when an agent from China offered them
precious jewels, gold and silver to buy King Kong's ding-dong, coveted by a wealthy old Chinese emperor
who desired more yang than yin. The sale of King Kong's ding-dong was so profitable that the Boomerang
Brothers sold their business to the Mafia and joined up with a far more lucrative business, Goldman Sachs.

[Bumblepuff]

If a troll farts in a forest and no one is around to smell it, do you stink?

[Bumblepuff]

Anne, I found that picture on a joke site with jokes and funny
pictures. There was no story there about it but that is a real
cow in the back of that car!

http://www.timebomb2000.com/vb/showthread.php?t=99255



Mayden Error, a little old widow known within quilting circles for her
masterful sewing skills yet considered hopelessly simpleminded, was
actually a highly intelligent woman who led a secret double life as a
safecracker, document forger, computer hacker, munition specialist
and cow smuggler among other things. Mayden clandestinely trans-
ported bovine dairy breeds to an underground laboratory where they
were implanted with microchip sensors and returned to their origins of
capture and subsequently used to monitor dairy farmers, pedestrians
and vehicle movements alongside roads bordering pastures and fields.
But due to an emergency mandatory retrofit installation for satellite
uplink hardware in her white security van, Mayden's normal mode of
conveyance was temporarily out of commission until next week, and
because she had to move a moo-moo cow quickly, she was forced to
borrow Clair Voiyant's rusty compact car crammed with dangling orna-
ments, goofy good luck charms, ugly stuffed animals, and many other
cheap and gaudy trinkets. It took Mayden extra effort to fit the fat cow
into the back seat, but she managed and drove off to her destination.
Mayden realized her backseat passenger presented an unusual traffic
spectacle, so she monitored her CB radio for police activity and drove
carefully, observing posted speed limits. If she was stopped by a law
enforcement officer, she planned to play dumb and was confident her
reputation as a bobbleheaded booby would cause the officer to laugh
at her eccentricities and let her move onward with uddermost speed.

[Bumblepuff]

Doug McKenzie:"Coo roo coo coo coo coo coo coo! Coo roo coo coo coo coo coo coo!"

Bob McKenzie: "Hello. Good day and welcome to the Great White North. I'm Bob
McKenzie, and this is my brother Doug."

"How's it goin', eh?"

"Um, today's topic is snow because it's everywhere up here in the Great White North
and everybody's complainin' about it because it won't go away, and we're stuck with it
until spring arrives."

"Snow. Nature's finest frozen flakes."

"Uh, yeah. We've been thinkin' of stuff you could do outside in the snow if you get
cabin fever. Always remember to wear a thick coat, warm gloves and a good tuque."

"I thought of some real doozies like tobogganing off a roof, pushing snowmen off
bridges and playin' chicken with highway snowplows!"

"Yeah, Doug's been brainstormin' so we'd have enough stuff to have a whole show.
We've been cooped up inside drinkin' until the blizzard stops. It's important to get a
good stock of beer, back-bacon and smokes cause you never know the next time you
can drive to the store for more. Also, it goes without sayin', but I'm mentionin' it as a
public service announcement, don't eat the yellow snow. It's not lemon flavored."

"*snort* Everybody knows that. *snort*, but do you know you should never eat the
blue snow? It's not blueberry, it's antifreeze. Sometimes it gets spilled on the ground
when it's late at night and hard to see where to pour it in truck engines, and you've
had too much to drink and can't hit the hole. Like my brother."

"Hey!"

"It's true. Anyway, also watch out for the green snow. It's poisonous."

"Green snow?"

"Yeah, that's when someone whizzes on the antifreeze. *snort*"

"Wow. A science lesson. Sort of. Heh. Okay, well maybe not at all, but it was interestin'."

"That's my Art lesson on combining primary colors."

"Uh... Back to what I was sayin', if you're a beer drinker like us, you can build beer can
castles usin' empty beer cans. If you run outta cans, cut open a can's top and pack it
with snow. That's how you make a beer can snow mold. Turn it over and a snow brick falls
out. Make a whole bunch of these and stack 'em level by level. Build what you want."

"Last winter I built an outhouse outta snow bricks. It was a real beauty, eh?"

"Yeah, before it melted from overuse at our Great White North kegger party. What a mess!"

"We had big swarms of flies last spring."

"Back to our topic. If you're really drunk while buildin' your snow palace, be extra careful you
don't fall on it or you'll have to start all over again. If that happens, the first thing you need
to do is drink more beer to get fortified against the cold."

"Drinkin' cold beer outside in the winter builds up your immune system."

"Right. Um, so this part of the show would be our health lesson if we were bartenders."

"We're bein' really educational this time, Bob. Time for another beer!" (opens another beer)

"Great idea. (opens a beer) I'd like to say it's really important to keep movin' outside in the
snow. Don't fall asleep or you'll turn into a frozen popsicle."

"Or a momsicle if you're a lady."

"Yeah. There's a difference, but not much when you're buried under five feet of drifts."

"Always be careful when you're movin' through deep snow. You could get lost real easy."

"Imagine how hard it would be to find the Pillsbury doughboy if he got lost in a blizzard."

"Ha, he's got no clothes on so he'd freeze his buns off!"

"I saw that comin' a mile away."

"Not in a blizzard, you hoser!"

"Hypothetically speaking."

"You mean hypothermically speaking."

"Huh? Hypoderm- like needles? Pine needles? Like when you think you're falling into soft
snow but instead get pine needles stuck all over your face and clothes?"

"*snort* One thing's for sure. This beer's really kickin' in. You're actin' like a beer in the
headlights, hosehead!"

"Take off, hoser!"

"No, you take off and get some more beer from the cooler cause I've almost finished the
last bottle here!"

"Okay. Uh, well that's all the time we have for our special snow show today, folks, so if you
don't wanna go out in the cold snow and freeze your butt off, stay inside where it's warm
and drink beer. It's safer."

"Right. And don't eat rainbow snow! Good day. *burp*"

"Good day."

[Bumblepuff]

"I told my boss the overnight room rate sounded too good to be true,
but did he listen? Nooo! I could have stayed at a Holiday Inn, but now
I'm screwed! I wish I'd never hung that 'Do Not Disturb' sign outside!"

[Bumblepuff]

"Doc, you look really worried. Is there a problem?"

"I've just realized that our time travel has created a terrible paradox! If I don't go back into the past
to correct it immediately, the tipping point won't be triggered when it's supposed to be!"

"Why's that such a big deal? Does this have something to do with those web bot thingies?"

"Yes, Marty. The web bots are an integral component of a complex prognosticative software program
dependent upon massive influx of uncontaminated memes of the human subconscious imported from
cyberspace and distilled into an archetypal database subsequently released as downloadable reports
containing asymmetric linguistic trend analysis. I'm afraid our meddling with time travel has muddled
up the primary chronological sequential flow! Basically, because of our temporal intrusion, the tipping
point won't tip on schedule, the global economy won't collapse, angry citizens won't storm the banks,
zombie hordes won't attack and---Great Scott!"

"What's up, Doc?"

"I've misplaced the clif notes! Countless subscribers are depending upon that analytical data! If it falls
into the wrong hands, we're all doomed and--- Great Scott!"

"Doc, I been meaning to ask you. Just who is Scott and why is he so great?"

"No time to explain now, Marty! If I don't travel back into the past to recalibrate the tipping point, in
less than one hour our world will be bombarded with megablasts of deadly space goat farts!"

[Bumblepuff]

A rampant rumor that the other shoe was about to drop triggered frenzied selling activity on the
trading floor of the Formicidaen Exchange, ending in record volume which crushed short sellers.

[Bumblepuff]

After the Daleks were vanquished and reprogrammed, it seemed like a
marvelous idea to use their advanced technological skills to improve life
on Earth, but Dalek dentistry had its awkward moments in that although
the bumpy drones injected pet felines with painkillers before performing
sensitive oral surgery, they often forgot that their external metallic shells
moving over nonmetallic surfaces generated excessive amounts of static
electricity, thus sparking furious hissy fits as they touched furry patients.

[Bumblepuff]

[Bumblepuff]

"Have you seen Sven? I'm lookin' for Sven. He has a large vooden shield,
ornamental bone helmet and shiny broad svord. I've been vanderin' troo
different forums, and I seem to be lost again. Vun noisy forum had a large
dance party. I taught Sven vould be dere, so I asked but no member vould
answer me. Dey vere singing out loud and off-key and vouldn't come near
me. I don't tink it vas because I smelled bad. I took a bath last month. As I
valked over a creeky bridge to another forum, ugly hairy trolls crawled out
from under it and attacked me, but den suddenly some screechin' moonbats
flew in from outta novhere and scared dem off! Scared me, too. Now I need
to change my undervear. In a messy forum people vere stabbin' each other
in da back! I crossed troo a big foggy bog until I saw a sign dat read: "sottise
en quarantaine". Vat does dis mean? Am I somevhere in France? I must find
Sven soon because ice floes are finally breakin' up and it is time for our ship
to sail south along da coast. It takes more dan vun Viking to pillage a village."

[Bumblepuff]

Are you totally bored because there is nothing interesting on the Internet? Are you frustrated with
incompetence infesting your mediocre existence? Are you eager to inflict stinging pain to gain con-
ceited Schadenfreude? If you fit this fit, then go troll bowling! Personalize your targeted trolls with
disgusting names, bizarre costumes and distinguishing physical deformities to ridicule and humiliate
them before sending them into eternal oblivion. Using your basic computer skills of keyboard typing
and mouse clicking, knock over as many trolls as possible before the buzzer sounds, the clock stops
ticking, or your boss walks up to your desk with a nasty look on his face. You may use any kinds of
linguistic missiles such as twisted taunts, barbed insults, double-edged double entendres, sharp
retorts, razor wit and spontaneous combustion. Be forewarned that trolls are unlikely to stand still
and obey rules of troll bowling and will break your cheat codes. With devious antics these mischie-
vous miscreants will do whatever is necessary to avoid being knocked over even if it means crashing
your computer and infecting you with an incurable virus! If at first you fail, don't give up! Be persis-
tent! Waste as much time as possible playing this game to show those pesky trolls who is the real
loser! Keep in mind that the more trolls you smash, the better you will feel because violently abusing
harmless creatures gives you a powerful sense of manipulation that control freaks crave. You may
play troll bowling as often as you like. Play with your imaginary friends, even your pets if they are
housebroken; if not, please use a protective keyboard cover and a wireless mouse. Do not play this
game while operating heavy construction equipment, farm machinery or while skydiving into a vat of
Jell-O instant chocolate pudding! If you are delusionally conceited that you possess powerful innate
cognitive abilities far above mewling newbies, then you may use telepathic mind control and teleki-
netic impulses to disintegrate the loathsome vermin and send them into an endless time loop or hurl
them spinning helplessly to the end of the Internet. Please note that no real trolls are harmed during
actual gameplay, so they will most assuredly return at inopportune moments just to annoy you again.

[Bumblepuff]

"There once was a froggy who lived in a pond;
he dreamed of adventures in the land beyond,
so he hopped on a lily pad path to the shore,
and jumped over hills seekin' sights to explore.

Little froggy was excited when he saw mossy trees,
pretty flowers, juicy bugs and buzzin' bumblebees,
said 'I'm makin' this swamp my comfy new home,
but I'll travel when I want to if I'm itchin' to roam.'

While froggy was relaxin' on a soggy tree stump,
a sudden bump behind him made him quickly jump;
froggy turned to see a gator with long sharp teeth,
and he tumbled off his stump to a crevice underneath.

That gator was a hopin' for a fresh froggy dinner,
but he couldn't chomp under cause his jaws warn't thinner;
froggy leaped speedy fast to his little round pond,
stayin' hidden in the shade of a wide fern's frond.

Froggy's nerves ware frazzled from his brush with death,
crouched a tremblin' in the mud, huffin' out of breath,
said 'I'll never leave again cause there's danger out there--'
just then froggy was caught and eaten by a bear!"

[Bumblepuff]

Great Blunders In Marketing



"I really don't care if people think it tastes great and is
less filling! You can't bribe me with all the money in the
world! I won't shut my eyes to the genocide of my own
species! I will never be a spokestuber for Spudweiser!"

[Bumblepuff]

Great Blunders In Marketing



Active healthy babies can cause parental headaches as they crawl around on
floors exploring new places and touching things they should not. To prevent
untimely accidents, use quality Rubber Ducky brand duct tape to secure your
wandering baby to any clean wall, door or window. As preparation for natural
disasters, use Rubber Ducky tape on babies for protection against flooding,
hurricanes and earthquakes. Taping baby to the wall offers protection from
flooding so baby cannot float away if water enters your residence. Rubber
Ducky tape is effective during hurricanes and earthquakes to keep baby safe
and secure should tables, lamps and other possessions tumble to the floors.
For normal adhesive use, please follow these easy instructions. Determine
location to tape baby and clean off any dust or grime from vertical surface.
Change baby's diapers. If you do not have time to change baby, simply affix
more tape to baby's bottom region. Rubber Ducky tape is potty resistant, so
it can hold "accidents" without leaking. Use extra tape if baby is fat. Tape
baby's favorite toys within reach to keep baby happy. Do not worry if baby
puts Rubber Ducky tape in mouth. Rubber Ducky tape is nontoxic and safe,
and also provides beneficial use during teething. After securely taping baby
to wall, door or window, you can do work elsewhere free of interference from
meandering baby. Use optional Baby Timer to remind yourself when baby is
to be untaped, or if you are within hearing distance, wait until baby starts to
cry. Rubber Ducky tape leaves no permanent stains or sticky residue and has
been tested on over 1000 different species of animals to work out the kinks.
To keep baby entertained while taped, you may hang optional mobiles from
the ceiling and let them dangle just out of reach of baby's grasping fingers.
If you get bored indoors, baby can be used for paintball gun target practice.
Optional little helmets, face shields and goggles are available at low prices.
Parental Advisory: Do not use Rubber Ducky tape on the days when Child
Protection Service workers are scheduled to visit your residence because
they will confiscate all Rubber Ducky tape as evidence. Under such circum-
stances we cannot offer replacements because warranty has been voided.

[Bumblepuff]

Crossing a mimefield can be hazardous if you do not take precautions. To improve your chances of arriving safely
at the other side, hold the end of a long stick or golf club and swing it around wildly while you walk slowly forward
with your eyes closed. Doing this will quickly clear the mimefield in your proximity. If you accidentally hit a mime,
do not panic or make a sound. Open your eyes to check if the mime is deactivated. If the mime is still active, then
whack it again. If you do not have a stick or golf club to swing, then crouch down on all fours and act like a skunk.
Using these techniques and common sense will ensure your survival until the day mimes can be legally outlawed.

[Bumblepuff]

A simple yet effective hillbilly home remedy for curing painful hemorrhoids
involves careful planning. In order to get healed the person afflicted with
nasty swelling must strip naked and sit on a newly chopped pile of resinous
pine wood free from termites and biting ants. The victim must take special
precaution to avoid being punctured from tiny sharp splinters which would
exacerbate the sensitive condition. A prepared pan of hot bacon grease is
poured slowly onto pieces of wood directly below the seat of the sufferer
with extra care taken to prevent splattering. The heat of the bacon grease
combined with steaming resin will soothe inflamed hemorrhoids and heal
scarred tissue. Usually one long sitting spell cures the ailment, but on this
occasion something bad and unexpected has thrown everyone into a panic.
Apparently a raccoon snuck in under the woodpile overnight, and the hot
bacon grease poured into the wood below seared the raccoon which is now
frantically clawing upwards to escape. This is not beneficial for the patient,
and that raccoon must be stopped before it will tear the sitter a new one.

[Bumblepuff]

During the first annual Ballooning Games held in Atlanta, a crowd of excited
spectators gathered to witness piloting skills of expert balloonists as they
maneuvered their bulbous air vessels along preset courses. One of the most
challenging events invented is called Porta-Potty Dominoes in which blind-
folded pilots must carefully guide their massive balloons into a row of Porta-
Potties using only their sense of smell to knock the lead Porta-Potty onto
the row of others causing a cascading domino effect. This is not as easy as
it sounds because the pilots must be downwind in order to smell the target
odors and thus must rely upon wind shifts and quick looping movements to
reorient proper course direction. If the first Porta-Potty is missed, any other
units knocked over will not count in the final score. Pilots must be extremely
careful to keep burners away from leaking Porta-Potty fumes which might
ignite fiery explosions. If pilots crash into the Porta-Potties and are covered
with oozing seepage, then they are disqualified and must take a disinfecting
hot shower. Although these Porta-Potties are evacuated before the contest
begins, occasionally a clown sneaks inside of one for cheap thrills and spills.

[Bumblepuff]

If you keep your cat well-fed for peace of mind, you'll keep your head.

[Bumblepuff]

[Bumblepuff]

"I like turtles. I like chocolate turtles, too. I
fed my turtle a piece, but he choked on a nut
and died. Now I want a new turtle. Or maybe
a Komodo dragon. I like Komodo dragons."

[Bumblepuff]

During the snowy squeeze of freezin' winter in Bucktooth, Arkansas, when crampin' cabin fever
strikes fierce and keeps families cooped up inside like sweatin' hogs in a woodshed, recreational
pursuits are mighty popular ways to pass the time till it's warm enough outside to get the house
shoveled clean. Here in the cozy home of Remus and Wilma Moosh, they are takin' a break from
homeschoolin' Gus, who just graduated up to Grade Four. Before settlin' down to a hot supper of
woodchuck stew and buttered biscuits, they decided to celebrate Gus's higher learnin' with their
favorite game, the Cooter Hunt, based on an old tradition that nobody has quite figured out. It's
sorta similar to the Easter egg hunt, but not exactly the same cuz Easter is still weeks away, and
they ain't got no bunny costume, and they don't actually hunt cooters, and instead of hidin' eggs,
they hide Remus's dentures. Anywho, the eggs was already ate at breakfast. Gus really got in the
spirit of things when he put on Uncle Jake's pair of long striped gloves, neck collar and furry ears
to become the Great Furball, the honored emcee of the Cooter Hunt. The other parts of the furball
costume ware lost somehow, somewhere, but Gus is wearin' enough distinguishin' characteristics
to make it official. His maw Wilma was given charge of hidin' Remus's dentures. She's plum pleased
with her secret hidin' place, but she won't crack nary a smile to give Remus a clue. That'd be cheatin'.
Although Gus is holdin' his hands over his privates, the dentures ain't hidden there. Nope. The reason
Gus is holdin' on tighter than a leech on a skinny-dipper's butt is cuz he's so darn excited, he's gotta
pee real bad, but he can't visit the outhouse till Remus finds his choppers. Them's the rules. And this
could be a severe test of Gus's bladder control cuz Wilma was real clever this time and hid Remus's
dentures in her mouth! Course, she had to remove her own set and hide 'em in her bra since gummin'
two pairs is too obvious. Gus is smilin' cuz his maw is sly like a fox, and he hopes one day, maybe next
year if he graduates to Grade Five, she'll let him hide pappy's plastic teeth! Remus is searchin' intently
on the creakin' floorboards next to the lopsided furniture and brass spittoon, and he'll keep huntin' till
his Alzheimer's kicks in or he finds a little jug of moonshine that he forgot he hid earlier and drinks it.
Don't need no teeth to swig genuine American whiskey! Wilma and Remus Moosh hope more parents
can reckon from their example that family homeschoolin' is best for teachin' young'uns, no foolin'!

[Bumblepuff]

"I have this extremely urgent message, but I'm not sure if I should release it here!
If it falls into the wrong hands, millions of squirrels will die! Life as we know it will
be changed forever! This is the most alarming news I have ever heard! You have no
idea how much pressure I'm under right now! This is scary catastrophic doom, folks!
It's so unimaginable that if you possessed just an inkling of the terrors awaiting us,
possibly within mere days, you would run around like your hair is on fire, searching
for a can of gasoline to end it all in a fiery flash! When my secret source told me this
confidential information, the fur on my tail stood straight up on end! You can see for
yourself how my tail is still bushed out to the max! When my trusted friend personally
told me this warning, I was so terrified that I fell down out of my tree! It was a long
drop, and I am still sore! Ouch! I tell you, that really knocked some sense into me!
I've begun hoarding nuts and other foods like crazy! I've stored the highly sensitive
data inside this special nut, and presently I'm just waiting for authorized confirmation
from my secret source if I have permission to let you see it! I realize you don't know
me from any other common squirrel, but can you take the chance that I am wrong?
Well, can you? Do you have the nerve to crack this potentially explosive nut by your-
self? I'm really trembling now, and I don't know what to do! I'm feeling worse than
being cornered by deranged rabid canines in a city pound kennel! Darn it all, I really
wish that I'd been born a hibernating mammal so I would be totally out of it WTSHTF!"

[Bumblepuff]

Shall I compare thee to a lightning storm?
Thou art more shocking and more turbulent:
Rough winds do shake my cowered shiv'ring form,
And thunders fierce unleashed do leave me spent:
Sometime too weird thy woo-woo spreads its doom,
And often is thy murky shadow cast;
And every fear from fear increases gloom,
By aggravating moonbats screeching past;
But thy eternal woo-woo shall not fade
Nor lose possession of conspiracies;
Nor shall mad censors block what thou hast made,
When Internet search engines charge no fees:
So long as doom is frightening to see,
So long lives gloom and this gives strife to me.

_____________________________________________





"WTF is this outlandish rubbish?"

[Bumblepuff]

"Ayup, Im prepped. Im toppin off my gas tanks twice a day
now cos Libeeya could nuke us! Gas prices r to damn high!
My dd had a terrible dream! She cant remember it so I cant
give details but its gonna happen I just know it! x10! Our
nation is doomed specially my dgi neighbors! Buy more rice
before planet X causes major JTI panic! Today hubby got 20
bags of rice before prices go up. I really hate rice. Just sayin.
Maybe I could barter my rice for safety if the Chinese invade
but no commie Russians is gonna take my stash of vodka!!!!

Yep, Im ready but those stupid sheeple got no clue.
Morans x100,000! ROFLMAO!! If people dont act or talk normel
like us their prolly terrorists! Keep your trigger finger free!
Us white Americans need more guns to kill all Muzzie ragheads!
+1000 x1000! If I dont understand somethin its not
worth thinkin about. Just sayin... Prolly a psyop trick! My cat,s
actin really weird. Shes chasin invisibull mice! Now she just
puked up a hair ball! OMG! Its a omen for sure! x1,000,000!!"

__________________________________________________



"The dumbing down of America is a real threat
and one reason why I choose to wear this hat.
Protect your mind from contagious stupidity."

[Bumblepuff]

"Scooter, are you crazy? Don't eat that! It's full of trans fats,
hydrolyzed vegetable protein and genetically modified grain!
Do you want to become a big tub of lard like Garfield? If you
eat that whole bowl, you'll never make it to the litter box! I
really don't want to be reminded of how you got your name!"

[Bumblepuff]

Many Australian citizens are thanking government officials for
creating the national EMS agency. Since its formation last year
Emergency Motorized Sheep squads have been responsible for
rescuing thousands of injured ranchers and stranded tourists
stuck in the Great Australian Outback, and there have been no
reports of baaad experiences dealing with trained EMS squads.

[Bumblepuff]

Edith Pifflesnoot of Atlanta has a colorful history and was instrumental in spreading the
popularity of Girl Scout cookies. She has a classic rags-to-riches American success story.
Long retired but still active in various pursuits, Edith spends her free time smoking cigars
and dining in gourmet restaurants. Here in her own words Edith recounts her adventures
as the Girl Scout Cookie Queen. The name of a sinister man has been deleted on a whim.



"I was born into a poor family, and my father left my mother to take care of six girls. Times were tough.
Because I was the oldest, I was given the major responsibility of watching over my little sisters while my
mother worked long hours in a sock puppet factory. Being naturally entrepreneurial, I joined the Girl Scouts
and was promoted for my leadership and organizational skills. The potential profits from sales of cookies
inspired me to focus my energy on selling as many boxes as possible. In the beginning Girl Scouts started
selling sugar cookies they made themselves, but by the time I joined, ABC Bakers was contracted to bake
them for the troops, and other varieties were added later such as vanilla and shortbread when the American
public increasingly supported their fund-raising efforts. After analyzing residential activities and pedestrian
patterns, I sent our troop members to busy city sectors, and we soon sold cookies as fast as we could have
them delivered from our supplier. I thought the variety of flavors was bland, so I created a delicious recipe
for chocolate mint cookies and sent it to ABC Bakers, who renamed it Thin Mint. It was such a huge success
that ABC Bakers guaranteed my troop would always receive the freshest boxes of cookies at fantastic dis-
counts. Through hard work we made it to the top of states' sales charts that year. And the next year. By the
third year we were going for the world record, and that's when the trouble started. The Mafia in New York
City had heard about our lucrative cash flow and wanted to muscle in on our territory, so they sent some
'sales representatives' to convince our girls to pay protection money. When one girl refused, they roughed
her up, broke one of her arms and dismembered her Barbie doll! Those evil ugly brutes made me furious!
That was the last straw, dammit! This was not the way the cookie would crumble while I was troop leader!
I put on my thinking cap and devised a new strategy which included teaching martial arts for self-defense.
I trained the most athletically gifted girls to be ninja scouts. Our first successful countermeasure was put-
ting bricks in rewrapped cookie boxes. We would sneak up to Mafia thugs, then slam those bricks into their
groins and sometimes kneecap the really troublesome creeps. My plan was foolproof because our weapons
were hidden in plain sight. Nobody would ever suspect innocent Girl Scouts of bashing tough members of the
Mafia. Would you? When the Mafia bosses realized we weren't pansies and decided to get rough by sending
professional hit men, we just got rougher because our honor, dignity and most importantly, our profit margin
were at stake. We sabotaged their sedans by placing small bombs under engine hoods. We never got caught
because we disguised our bombs as, you guessed it, Girl Scout cookie boxes. We also made discreet personal
'deliveries' to their rented apartments and local hangout. Ring the bell, then run like hell! We manipulated the
police to arrest hit men by planting stuff and then placing anonymous phone calls telling officers where to find
the stash. When members of the Mafia were caught, they always blamed us, but the police laughed because
every time we were questioned, they encountered charming little girls with big smiles, airtight alibis and free
boxes of cookies. Because of our discount rate from ABC Bakers, using cookies to bribe the police was cheaper
than buying greasy donuts. Besides, our cookies weren't as fattening. Overweight cops can't catch quick crooks.
We had the police department literally eating out of our hands. Heh. The Mafia grew so discouraged that they
gave up and returned to NYC where they found out it was much easier to extract protection money from ethnic
businesses who hired illegal aliens. After I graduated from High School, I incorporated telemarketing businesses
and made millions. I've donated most of it to the Girl Scouts and various charitable organizations. I have a life-
time supply of free cookies but don't eat very many because I'm diabetic. I know that may sound like a downer,
but actually it gives me more time to smoke more varieties of cigars. You see, I'm a cigar aficionado respected
worldwide for my recommendations of the finest brands, yet how that came about is another story. I could blow
a tiny smoke ring to show you what I think about our current President, but that would be a waste of my breath."

[Bumblepuff]

[dissimulo]

"Ayup, Im prepped. Im toppin off my gas tanks twice a day
now cos Libeeya could nuke us! Gas prices r to damn high!
My dd had a terrible dream! She cant remember it so I cant
give details but its gonna happen I just know it! x10! Our
nation is doomed specially my dgi neighbors! Buy more rice
before planet X causes major JTI panic! Today hubby got 20
bags of rice before prices go up. I really hate rice. Just sayin.
Maybe I could barter my rice for safety if the Chinese invade
but no commie Russians is gonna take my stash of vodka!!!!

Yep, Im ready but those stupid sheeple got no clue.
Morans x100,000! ROFLMAO!! If people dont act or talk normel
like us their prolly terrorists! Keep your trigger finger free!
Us white Americans need more guns to kill all Muzzie ragheads!
+1000 x1000! If I dont understand somethin its not
worth thinkin about. Just sayin... Prolly a psyop trick! My cat,s
actin really weird. Shes chasin invisibull mice! Now she just
puked up a hair ball! OMG! Its a omen for sure! x1,000,000!!"

I think this probably should be in the Bomb Shelter. This kind of specific information could be traced back to its source.

Can you tell us more about the dreams and the hairball? Could the hairball be symbolism for an asteroid? I'm thinking there is more to this story...

[Bumblepuff]

I think this probably should be in the Bomb Shelter.
This kind of specific information could be traced back to its source.

Can you tell us more about the dreams and the hairball?
Could the hairball be symbolism for an asteroid?
I'm thinking there is more to this story...

"WOW! your sooo alert! good catch! i never thought dd,s dream and
the hair ball from our sick cat was connected! OMG! These must be
2 big freakin DOTS! maybe the asteroid is hairy like seen thru a
tellscope? im usully not superstishus but now you got me real worried!
should i buy more preps? my hubby says he should buy lots more beer...
10 cases at least! can you give me hints? just thinkin out loud here...
honest I didnt think what i wrote was sensitiv info compared to what that
skwirrl posted! dang that critter knows somethin for sure! just sayin...
should we set up neighberhood skwurl watch? could be dangerus specially if
my hubby gets drunk and shoots the sqwerrll for target practice! that wood
be terrible! then we got no more link to the secret source thats got the
secret code inside the nut! im getting a hyoomungus headach from thinkin
to much! im really scared now ive said to much so i wont post no more!
just sayin... oh no! my other cat Argus done pooped out some silver tinsel!
bizare! its another dot, well a long dot! we tossed our christmass tree
way back on valentines day so where did Argus git the tinsel to swaller?
his cat turd looks like a silver rocket! OMG! this must mean were gettin
a missile attack! take cover in the bomb shelter immeditly!"

[Bumblepuff]

Victoria Woods is happily engaged to Barkus Arboreous. She met Barkus
last spring while walking through a beautiful grove. It was love at first leaf.
Barkus is the offshoot of an ancient Ent and a California sequoia. He never
knew his father, who trudged off to fight a mythic war but never returned.
One day while still a sapling he was struck by lightning and became mobile
which allowed him to escape a group of lumberjacks with chain saws that
buzzed down his forest and killed his mother. Although Barkus is quite old
in human years, the age difference does not bother these lovers. Victoria
realized her parents would never tolerate her falling in love with a common
conifer, so she secretly met Barkus in shaded glens. A major problem arose
when Victoria had a photographer take pictures for her album. The shocked
photographer showed the negatives to her parents, who became so furious
that they disinherited her and kicked her out of their mansion. Undaunted
by this temporary setback, Victoria started work in a greenhouse where her
botanical skills are prized and admired. Using her extra income, Victoria buys
rich organic fertilizer for Barkus, periodically prunes him to maintain health,
and keeps pesky birds and squirrels from building nests upon his branches.
Because of Victoria's unique relationship with an arboreal evergreen, she
has few close friends. People aware of their impending marriage constantly
gossip, joking about morning wood and poking into crevices. Victoria replies,
"Sticks and cones can break my bones, but Barkus will never hurt me." She
believes that the intimacies she shares with Barkus are their own business.
However, this does not stop her nosy neighbors from digging up new dirt on
Barkus's seedy past including his knotty issue of hermaphroditism. Victoria is
confident that the latest medical advances using scientific technologies will
allow her to be artificially inseminated with selected fertile pollen from Barkus
although the couple is still undecided on whether to have a holistic doctor or
a skilled botanist do it. When the baby is born, Victoria plans to take care of
her young sprout while at work by potting it in the nursery of the greenhouse,
keeping a watchful eye so customers won't buy her sprout during plant sales.

[Bumblepuff]

Stunning proof of the existence of chemtrolls exists even though detractors
refuse to believe evidence such as this photo showing detailed arcing trails
from a snarky red haired troll who has been blasted to smithereens in cyber-
space by an Internet sharpshooter. Complete disintegration of troublesome
trolls produces residual particles which remain suspended until reabsorption
into the upper trollosphere. Stinky chemtroll vapors are extremely hazardous
to your health! Direct exposure will cause sudden irrational trollish behavior!

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

[Bumblepuff]

Great Blunders In Marketing

..........

__________________________________________________ _________ " E - lec - tric - i - T " __________________________

[Bumblepuff]

"Hi there! My name is Beebee Ring the Bongo King! I love Facebook! Totally!
Facebook makes me feel so special! Facebook is my friend, my companion,
my comfort and my refuge from harsh reality! Facebook is the ultimate social
network! Facebook is my life! Every time I see my sexy picture on Facebook
I get tingly all over! Nobody else on Facebook looks like me! I'm very special
and unique and I know it! Every day I enter my photo in contests to win big
prizes. I'm bound to win eventually because with my good looks, charming
personality and sparkling wit I'm a guaranteed winner! Yay for me! Give me
a virtual high five! Last week I finished building my excellent and awesome
shrine to Mark Zuckerberg. Every night before I go to bed I pray to him for
inspiration and good luck. I also remember to say a prayer to my ISP so my
online connection won't fail. I spend as much time as possible on Facebook
every day and night. People post the weirdest comments on my Facebook
wall! I laugh at their bizarre fruitcakey weirdness because I know that I'm
the one who is normal. Hah! I love poking my buddies in unexpected places
at unexpected times. Poke, poke, poke! I love to chat with my friends and
total strangers. Chat, chat, chat! I love playing little Facebook games for
hours on end. Play, play, play! I need more time to perfect my skills so I can
remain at the top with high scores. I love sponsored ads that urge me to buy
useless stuff. Buy, buy, buy! I post continually, even when nature calls, but
I do need one free hand to type. Type, type, type! I get really depressed by
the fact that I can't post while I'm asleep. Sleeping is such a waste of time
when I could be updating my web links! I dream about my buddies gushing
over my Facebook and how the whole world says my Facebook is the best
ever and Mark Zuckerberg is really jealous of my creative gifts but likes me
anyway because I'm super cool and everybody knows it. When I wake up,
the first thing I do is update my Facebook status. Update, update, update!
I post what I like and dislike, what I love and hate. For example, I like eating
boogers but dislike using facial tissues because they litter the landscape and
pollute the environment. I love stepping barefoot in squishy dog poop in the
park but hate people who scoop poop into plastic bags because that fills up
garbage dumps and contributes to global warming when it overheats under-
ground. As you probably guessed, I'm an ecogreen treehugger even though
I've never touched a tree because I might get poisoning from splinters. It's
safer staying in my room working on my Facebook. I have thousands of my
pet peeves listed on my Facebook pages, so check them out! Play hookey
from school classes or call in sick to skip work if you need more time to read
them. It's really important to do whatever you can to get extra hours off or
else you will never have time to read all my entertaining and insightful stuff!
I have all my writings and photos and whatever I have uploaded organized
in color coded categories which look so sweet, but if you're color-blind, you'll
have to pay close attention to my text notes to help you navigate because
my Facebook is really enormous! Feel free to post lots of positive feedback
on my deep thoughts about the best junk foods to snack on and the worst
cat toys to play with. Believe me, I've pawed and chewed them all, so I'm
an expert! I joined this message board just so I could tell you about my own
Facebook. I'm gonna send private messages to all the members and invite
them to visit my Facebook. Please tell your family and friends and coworkers
about my Facebook. I wanna have the most popular Facebook in the world!
The more time I devote to updating my Facebook the more I realize that it
is not important how much money you make, or how many hours you spend
caring for the homeless or how you react personally with people in your local
community schools and businesses. What is absolutely the most important
thing in this life is how great your Facebook looks! I am devoting the rest of
my life to my Facebook. I want to leave a Facebook legacy so people will
remember me and know I made a difference. Nobody knows you're a dog on
the Internet, but there is only one Beebee Ring the Bongo King on Facebook
because that's who I beebee! Peace and love, dudes! Facebook rules!"

[Bumblepuff]

.............

_____________________________________________ "After the software upgrade is installed, some of you old-
________________________________________ timers may need to readjust your antennae, but the rest
________________________________________ of you can wait for the download to reboot your implants."

[Bumblepuff]

Rumors that a little birdie was planning to release a classified update of mind-
bending ramifications caused a massive influx of concerned forum members to
log online in anticipation of an imminent news leak. A few members warned it
was very dangerous to gather en masse because they were exposing them-
selves as open targets from enemy missile attacks and rogue comets blasting
through overcast skies. Others were smugly confident, claiming they had all of
their ducks in a row even though they weren't literal ducks. An agitated member
nervously uttered that there were all sitting ducks figuratively, and if their online
connections were suddenly severed, they would plummet into deep waters below
and be excruciatingly electrocuted from sparking live wires because they could
not paddle to safety like ducks. An old-timer solemnly warned, "Don't count your
chickens before they're hatched," but nobody was quite certain how to interpret
that advice within context of the current doomish scenario because moderators
stated there were no chickens online nor any confirmed rumors regarding chicken
informants unless the old-timer meant it figuratively like the ducks, which then
generated lengthy reminiscing from toothless geezers about anecdotes involving
hilarious barnyard bird squabbles establishing pecking orders analogous to present
bickering on Internet forums. Another old-timer stated flat out that chickens could
not fly sufficiently high to establish an online presence and predicted this was just
another false feather rumor to mislead them down the gullible sheeple path while
they should be doing their utmost to focus on any signs of that tardy little birdie,
who might have been abducted or killed by secret government agents to keep him
from singing like a canary, although a well-respected veteran member admitted
there is no proof the little birdie is a canary because the birdie's species remains a
mystery, which of course did not stop the majority of online watchers from posting
theories about whether its true identity was a stool pigeon or just a lame turkey
with a bum wattle. After a hotheaded debate, the group decided to keep an eagle
eye open for the birdie's arrival and their moonbat ears perked up for any audible
peeps because something should be hitting the fan soon. Hopefully not the birdie...

[Bumblepuff]

"Due to seasonal snow and ice storms I'm takin' a moment out of my busy schedule to remind
you mail recipients about doin' your fair share of shovelin' off your drives, sidewalks and door-
ways. I can't waste my valuable time trudgin' through deep snow drifts, sloggin' in sloppy slush
or takin' baby steps over hazardous slick ice to deliver your mail if your front yard looks like the
frozen Arctic frontier. Do I look like an Eskimo huntin' for a big walrus to harpoon? Do you think I
have a sturdy dog sled to haul your junk mail through blizzards? Hell, no! That ain't in the USPS
budget, so get off your lazy asses and shovel me passes to get to your mailboxes, or you ain't
gettin' your welfare checks! Warm spring weather is still weeks away, and I've been workin' over-
time just to keep up with deliverin' your damn seed catalogs! And then after you mail your orders,
I gotta haul those damn boxes of seeds! I can feel my back achin' already! I demand my fair share
of fresh produce from your garden, none of your buggy veggies, either! And keep beers chillin' in
your fridge in case I get thirsty. Another thing -- some of you are worried about a kill switch makin'
the Internet go down so you can't pay bills online. Well, the solution is simple. I can take your mail
to the post office. Just start payin' your bills by sendin' cash in envelopes. I gotta keep remindin'
you to send bills with high denominations. Don't send no coins! They mess up the automated sortin'
machines, and I already got more jars full than I can count! Remember, if your cash payment goes
missin', remail it and print the total amount enclosed on the envelope's back. I'll make sure it gets
delivered. Trust me. I know how important it is payin' bills on time. I got damn child care payments!"

[Bumblepuff]

"It's really easy to do, Bambi. Just lie down on the gravel road at
the edge of the park and play dead. I'll keep watch in the bushes.
When a camper approaches, start twitching your legs. The driver
will stop and open his door to check the extent of your injuries. Do
not be alarmed if the campers begin panicking and crying because
vacationing suburbanites get really emotional whenever they see
poor defenseless animals writhing in agony. Of course, you won't
be in pain because you'll just be pretending, Bambi! It's so much
fun to pretend and play games on naive people! Hee hee! While the
campers are walking cautiously towards you, I will be sneaking up
silently to their unattended vehicle. When you hear me thump my
foot, rise on your feet and hobble off. Make some moaning sounds.
That always gets their hearts racing. As they follow you off the road,
that's when I will hop inside their stocked camper and score on some
food! I won't have much time, so I'll grab the tastiest snacks in reach.
If I see loose watches or jewelry, I'll snatch those, too. We can trade
that stuff later for munchies at Brown Bear's Barter Den. Remember, if
the people get too close to you, just scamper into the woods and then
circle back to our rendezvous point where we'll share the loot! It's like
taking candy from a baby! Speaking of which, maybe I can find pureed
baby food. It's guaranteed safe for a fawn's sensitive digestive system!"

[Bumblepuff]

Great Blunders In Marketing



"I use Tres Faux skin care cream every day to enhance my
natural beauty. I apply Tres Faux cream liberally to my face
each morning, noon and evening, letting it soak slowly down
into my crusty pores. Tres Faux removes festering pimples,
plugged blackheads, clotted pus, mossy moles, gnarly warts
and ugly squirming epidermal parasites. Believe me, I've had
my share of nightmarish facial infestations, yet nothing really
worked until I tried Tres Faux. Tres Faux exterminates nasty
creeping skin burrowers, even their tiny eggs! Tres Faux is so
soothing to use and dries quickly to an invisible protective film.
After several hours just peel it off and wash with warm soapy
water, then slather on a new creamy coating. You can see how
beautiful my complexion appears after using Tres Faux. My skin
is as soft as a baby's tender pink bottom, and I feel like a frisky
teenage girl! Try Tres Faux and you can look tres hot like me!"

[Bumblepuff]

___________

Doomers enjoy spectator sports just like normal sheeple just so long as they
can keep a safe distance away from those who refuse to prep for the events.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________